How I’ve Become The Adult Male Virgin

When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It feels just like the first time
When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It’s still just like the first time
When I’m with you, with you
with you, with you
When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It feels just like the first time- First Time, Big Time Rush

I never thought I would actually use a big time rush song for a blog post. That’s a little weird for me. Well… onward to my post and the business at hand. In other words, let’s get to the blog post.

I don’t think there’s any need at all to tell you this, but I will in case you haven’t read my blogs at all. I’m a virgin. Even in the top caption of my blog, it does mention virginity in it. So, yes I do talk about it and sex too. Don’t get stunned by it. I just speak about it as a true virgin myself. Getting to know me, I’m a 25 year-old male virgin. I am a 25 year-old virgin with really no dating experience whatsoever. I know there are probably a lot of questions that would arise from a statement like that (Are you gay? Are you ugly? What’s your hangup?). Reading most articles on virginity, it seems that hardly anybody values virginity to any extent whatsoever.

Lately, it’s been the case with me too. As I turned 25 recently, I have had a complete shift in my life. It’s as if I have had turned upside down on my head. I guess I have recently realized how frustratingly lame my life had been up to this point. It’s almost at a pathetic zone. I’ve done so little up to this point in life, and it’s like I haven’t even really lived a life at all. I’ve more along the lines watched it. Nothing exemplifies this more than my sexual status (or non-status). As I’ve never had sex before, I have been questioning some things that I was afraid to question earlier. Recently, I have had a desire to find out answers as to why I am who I am. Accompany that with an awakening of sorts, and I am now left having to answer this same exact inquiry to myself.

I did, though.

What I found was an adventure that required tons of examination and introspection on my end. Somehow I sifted through it all and came out of it with the answer I was long looking for. The self exam, while being a bit painful for me (as it’s always painful to get real with yourself), was definitely for the best and could not have come at a better time to be honest. Why? It helped not inspire my post, but I believe it helped me be able to reveal a side I felt I was hiding. Now, I can see myself for who I really am, and not a caricature. For this post, I got authentic and transparent, and I think I just created my best one yet from it. Expect brutal honesty from me on this one. I will be revealing my reasons as to why I’m the 25 year-old virgin. These are my reasons, so it may not be yours if you’re a virgin like me. It may resonate with those who are also virgins like me. Let me know if it does.

I’ll start with my story.

My life is not the ideal life. I am not really changing the world curing cancer or making an innovation in artificial intelligence to where robots could now do housework. I’m not making an impact like that at all. I think it’s safe to say my life is just menial. On top of that, I have no sex in a sexual world. I think it’s safe to say that the world is quite sexual. From the video games to the magazines on grocery store checkouts, everything is about looking hot and attractive. Music videos really get into detail about sexual escapades with different guys and girls. It’s almost unavoidable to not see a commercial that deals with sex or something in a manner. Needless to say, my virgin self gets a little weirded out by it all.

I feel even weirder waking up to the thought I’m a virgin everyday. You would think with sex being everywhere I would have had it too. However, I haven’t even come remotely close. I’m a kissless virgin, and that makes the culture at large seems to look at my virginity as a paranormal ghost of sorts. It’s not easily understood, but it is easily demeaned. I have had so many disparaging remarks about me in my life, and I’m pretty much used to it. However, none of that could compare to the amount of internal “shame and struggle” I feel about my virginity most days.

Lately, I have had these blanket statements about me that make me uncomfortable. However, I think I need to work through these. After all, I’m a 25 year-old virgin, right? I wonder if anyone who’s also a virgin (or was a virgin like me) has gone through the same internal struggle. After I just turned 25 and hit the quarterlife mark of life, I began to wonder myself what has been the issue with me. I wondered if it was just me. Either way, I will continue on with this, I guess.

What I had found in this internal struggle in my life, after getting real with myself, is that I have not just one reason as to why I have stayed a virgin. Rather, I have a whole host of reasons as to why. I have been I guess kept in the “zero zone” for a whole host of reason. It’s not just a point-blank answer, but a combination has been working within me. I don’t know if I could call it a top 10, but I will try to make it one. It seems to fit better with 10. So, without further ado, when it comes to my virginity, here are my top 10 reasons as to why I’ve become a virgin. I’ll explain it in detail in the list. Here goes my top 10.

Number One: Fear

  • This has to be the biggest one out there for me. I can’t imagine one that is more than this. Does it need to be explained? Well, I guess I will anyway.

  • For a lot of my life, I’ve lived in a shell. I haven’t really gotten out of “turtle” ways at any point of my life. I’ve let life pass me by and opportunities slip my grasp because of it too. None more than with certain girls has this happened. I’ve had crushes on girls. I’ve seen girls whom I was attracted to in my life, but they have all stayed distant. They stay distant because I tend to get “gun-shy”, and I seem to be unable to go after whatever I want to have. I have been the admirer from afar for so long in my life, because my shell of fear keeps me there.

  • I’m like the most soft-spoken guy ever, and I am so timid to where I even hate me most of the time. I run away from confrontation and have never seemed to like conflict. I run from the sight of it, back into my turtle shell. Coward. I talk so negatively to myself about how cowardly, spineless, craven, and pusillanimous I am. You don’t know the amount of times I’ve called myself weak, wuss, coward, loser, and lame in my mind. I tend to be my own worst enemy most days. I hate on myself so much, and I end up trying to pick up the pieces from my self-destruction. I then try to figure out what’s the reason behind it all. I unfortunately haven’t nailed the answer.

  • Is it fear of failure? Maybe. Is it fear of success? Again maybe. It’s probably both to be honest. All I know is that I get the shakes when the moment of truth arrives. As any dating coach, pick-up artist, or anybody skilled with women will tell you, confidence matters. That much I really don’t have. It’s probably why I fall flat most days, not only with relating to people and women but also with all facets of life. My timid ways will if I keep it up keep me in a rut, I’m certain. A very painful rut. I really don’t want that to continue, but for so long I’ve let it. Anyway, that’s point #1.

Number Two: Faith and Values

  • Is there an anecdotal relationship between my religion and my fear factor when it comes to the subject of virginity? I’d have to say yeah, probably. If you read up on my blog, it says it plainly “Joyful Jesus Lover”. I do love Christ and his grace, but I do have to solemnly agree with the fact that I have been a bit afraid of women out of the fear of sinning. It’s partially true, especially after I read how great a gift sex is in the Bible on many occasions (there’s a whole book on it, I mean).

  • However, being single almost means to never touch a woman at all, especially for someone who doesn’t plan on getting married anytime. I’m at the point of just giving up the whole virginity thing, because no one else cares for it anyway. It’s not laudable anymore. So, I feel ready to start thinking of losing my virginity. However, I keep freezing in fear for some reason. Accusation, scandals, and a compromise of morals make for an uneasy mind within me.

  • What’s weird is that my parents brought me up in a sex-positive way (at least I feel). My family is not prudish at all. I do not think sex is evil, and neither did my family. Matter of fact, I know a lot about sex, and I know a lot about the stats out there with sex. So, the topic of sex doesn’t make me scared. It only makes me scared when it involves me.

  • I just have a weird way about me where I tend to repress my sexual side. Maybe for some reason I don’t think I should have sex or that sex will doom me. Maybe I for some reason think I’m evil or perverted. I don’t know what it is, but every time I start longing for sex, part of my mind secretly begins saying that I’m doing something wrong, and I’m sinning when I think about potentially having sex. It strikes a bit of fear, even though it’s an irrational thought. Funny that I have thought about losing my virginity and the thought of sin and wrongdoing still persists in my mind. It’s probably why I can call myself a prude.

  • However, not all of it is related to my being religious. It isn’t. Plainly put for me, I don’t want to basically use a woman for my sexual needs. I do want to be completely committed to a girl before doing anything with her. I always wanted just one girl to give myself to deep down. I guess I’m the hopeless romantic. I always had thought that falling in love with my one and only would be the plan. I realize now that may not ever happen at my rate. Regardless of whether or not I find my lady love or not, my desires for being with my love don’t trump the fear. The fear is two-fold too.

  • I also have personal family issues where I’ve seen the problems of having sex outside true commitment. Being a black guy, baby mamas are a reality in the community. Divorce is too . A lot of things are prevalent in the black community nowadays, to think of it. In the black community, there’s also risk of STIs that don’t often get mentioned, but it’s highly prevalent there. STD rates are pretty common now, and I want to prevent any from getting me, as well as the baby mama jealous ex thing. Those do drive me in a sense.

  • So, my faith and religious values have contributed to me being a virgin, Oh, there’s more, though.

Number Three: The Aphrodite Complex

  • This definitely needs some explaining. Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, was an irresistible beauty. She was so irresistible beauty that in one myth Hephaestus trapped Hera and forced Hera to give him Aphrodite to marry. It’s interesting, yes, but not the point I’m getting at.

  • The main thing between Hephaestus and Aphrodite’s relationship was that Hephaestus could never win Aphrodite. Aphrodite was a perfect beauty, and Hephaestus was dowdy and unattractive. However, Hephaestus still could not resist her and never lost love for her. It’s been that way for me most of my life. Every time I see an attractive woman of sorts, I seem to turn into a jellyfish or something. It’s the goddess complex at work. I worship the ground she walks on, and I can’t seem to make words up when I’m around her. It’s been this way for the longest time. I actually had a crush on a girl for like 2 years, and I could barely say anything to her. I just felt she was way out of my league. I didn’t believe I had a shot, so I didn’t try. Then even if I did get her, I wouldn’t keep her because I don’t deserve her. That’s the mentality.

  • That’s been my life in a nutshell. I have been the guy that will just fawn over a flawless beauty, but will never try to go near her. I have never been in a relationship because of this. I’m an imperfect guy, and the girl is a perfect beauty. What shot do I have? So, what am I supposed to do? Move on to point 4.

Number Four: Physical attractiveness (or perhaps absence)

  • Point 3 touched on this already. I’ll just delve into this further. I never once thought I could attract a partner. Most people in the past have said that I’m simply not attractive. I could end it there, but I will explain it.

  • I’m a skinny black guy. I don’t weigh that much. Now, I do work out constantly, and I do think I’m fit. I do piyo to keep up my fitness, along with basketball and dancing. However, I’m not an Adonis. While I like my body personally, I also know my physique is not the type to be considered attractive at all, despite my long body and athleticism. I have rather big bushy eyebrows and big ears with no cheekbones either. I have had people say I look like an alien because of it. I have to say that I agree with them. Needless to say, I’m not a major hit with the ladies to be a turn-on. I never had a girl really pay attention to me, and I had girls tell me they weren’t interested because I’m not attractive to them. I can’t blame them.

  • I tend to wear frumpy clothes, and I tend to not really focus on my personal appearance. I do work out a whole lot, but I don’t pay attention to my attractiveness. I guess I didn’t think of it as important. Most women don’t look at me anyway. Why bother? Well, anyway, without a degree of physical attractiveness, is it that weird to think that I’m a virgin who’s never dated? Not really.

  • It hurts a bit to admit that I’m not a GQ model or even slightly attractive, but the truth is the truth, right? No matter how it hurts. Anyway, onward to point 5.

Number Five: My nerdy pursuits

  • I’m a trivia-loving, non-drinking, non-smoking, Bible geek. I’m a choir boy who likes watching Jeopardy in the afternoon. Yeah, I’m interesting. I love soul music, choir music, and I love to run, exercise, and play basketball for fun. I’m fun, aren’t I? I write poetry and love songs for fun. Oh, how fun! <sarcasm>. No further explanation needed. To point 6.

Number Six: Anxiety

  • When it comes to women, I have a ton of anxiety. I just get to becoming a nervous wreck, with constant shaking, stomach knots, and the never-ending feeling of fainting. The worst part is that it doesn’t stop. See, my anxiety is two-fold for me. I’m not just nervous by the sight of women. I get nervous over having to approach one. I then turn awkward instantly. The thought of actually having to talk to a woman and strike a conversation is a daunting thought for me. Conversation is not a strong suit for me, because I never really learned how to hold conversations with women.

  • I actually write better than I talk. Anything past saying hi is not good with me. It’s no wonder that I tend to stay in isolation all the time. It’s not because I don’t like people that I don’t like to talk up. I always think I’m going to say something stupid. I worry about what I am going to say so much that I end up doing it anyway. So, I just clam up and stay in my shell. It’s one form of anxiety. I have a 2nd one, though. Let me explain.

  • I have a desire to please. I aim to please so much. I guess it’s the eager beaver thing. I am one of those people who would go out of his way to make sure his partner is happy. I want to really see that they are happy and satisfied. That goes for every single arena in life, and I feel the same would apply in the sexual arena. I get worried that staying a “sexual novice” will be a problem. I get worried that I wouldn’t know what to do or how to act to make the “magic” happen. Is it performance anxiety? Maybe. I just want to be the perfect lover that women desire.

  • I always strive for perfection in whatever I do. I’m a perfectionist. So, I go after goals with everything I got. That also means I fear failure. Being bad or failing at something is like psychologically damaging. This worries me when it comes to sex. I just worry that I won’t be any good for my partner and will not be able to make her happy. I only hope to hear her say that I’m good. It might crush me if I find out that she was unhappy and thought I was terrible in bed and break up with me. Although, being a 25 year-old virgin who’s clueless, what else will I be? Also, what if she finds out I’m a virgin and doesn’t know what to do? That probably will cause her to dump me.

  • It’s pretty safe to say that I worry about a lot of stuff. The sex one is one of the biggest in my opinion. I know from what I’ve read that sex is an important part of a relationship, so my virginity honestly walls me from even making any moves on anyone. I freeze and I get weak-kneed. My virginity makes me worried to go after women in fear that they will find out. I worry that they will laugh at me for it, or that they won’t want to be with me because of it. I haven’t heard too many girls say they would do a virgin. If they’re my age, they probably wouldn’t want to be with one. So, my only hope is to find that one girl who would. I just worry I will run into one of the ones who won’t want to. That in a sense leads to part 7.

Number Seven: Apathy

  • I am not going to say that I just don’t care to have sex. I almost wonder if it’s worth trying. Often I wonder if I am missing out by not having sex, being honest. I do wonder that some days. However, there are plenty of other days that I simply don’t care. I’m like at a 65/35, where I don’t care most days. My other interests take my time, and I am glad to share them alone without having to care about someone else. I’m glad that I don’t have to care about someone else basically taking up my time, especially where I have to worry about their needs. So, I often feel apathetic about finding a girlfriend, despite my lack of positivity over being a virgin. I don’t know. It sounds weird, but it’s the truth.

Number Eight: Introversion

  • Mentioned it already. I’m not that outgoing. I don’t go out to bars and clubs. I don’t like to. I would rather relax and hang out in a comfortable spot. It’s part of my introverted personality. However, I do have a small bit of extroversion about me. I do like to step out of comfort some times, and I like to do certain things like dance, sing, and perform in front of people that many simply wouldn’t do. Those are things I like to do. It’s fun, I guess.

  • The extravert is a rare sight for me but a welcome one. Most days I like to be quiet. I’m so soft-spoken, remember? I don’t know if I like to be loud, but I have been feeling like I need to be more vocal. Most people just don’t hear me being so soft. So, has my introversion contributed to me being a virgin? You’d better believe it.

Number Nine: Finances

  • Does this need to be explained? I guess I will. I do have a job and income, but yeah, I’m not a rich guy. I don’t make that much money. I would like to make more (who doesn’t?). I save my finances right now by not dating, though. So, I am able to save big on my little line of money I have now. If I won the lottery tomorrow, would I start dating? Maybe. Here’s why.

  • I wouldn’t want to start looking at a woman without having my finances high. I feel it’s wrong to date a woman being broke or destitute. I mean, how could you treat her if you can’t afford to? It’s my idealist way. I always dreamed of one day buying that lady anything she wanted, doting on her every need. Jewelry, shoes, clothes, and whatever else she wanted. I again have that people-pleasing mentality, and I want to do nothing but please her. I want to buy her whatever she wants, even at my expense. If I can’t afford it, I’m not treating her right.

  • That speaks to something deeper. It’s the Aphrodite complex again. See, I have such a negative opinion about myself. It speaks volumes to this point. I tend to try to buy people’s love by good deeds, acts of kindness, in a cycle of people-pleasing. I guess it comes back to having a low esteem. I have always thought that I don’t deserve love from anybody. I am quick to see what’s wrong with me. They stare back at me in the face. Well, after past experiences from when I was young, I just felt like nobody would want me or should want me. I never have been able to get over that. So, I try to buy people’s love from them. It’s impossible to buy love, but I guess I try.

  • So, I didn’t want to date until I had plenty of paper to spend on a lady. That day has never come, though. I am not rich. I’m not able to buy expensive diamonds or nice trinkets. I can’t afford that stuff. So, I feel like a failure most days. I feel like a loser. I can’t afford to buy a lady nice things. Who’d want me at that point? I need to change this and get more financial stability in my opinion. It’s being real. Number 9 is such a big point against me.

Number Ten: Comparison

  • What does comparison mean? It means that I tend to look at other guys and how I stack up next to them. I look at other guys I feel most days, and I feel inadequate compared to them. I feel incomptent to stand next to them. It’s like I don’t measure up, despite standing 6’1. Again, back to the low & negative self-opinion. It’s tough. I fall into this rut about me, where I don’t think a girl would be interested in me. In self-fulfilling prophecy, it then comes true. I tend to fall into the trap I myself lay.

  • Anyway, I see other people with more than I am, and I then I view me, and that leads to me everytime saying “I have nothing to offer.” There really is nothing more to offer on the topic, but I know it to be a quasi-truth. I am not the best guy to go after. I’m not rich, debonair, smooth, or congenial. It’s hard to be around me. I have a hard time being around me. I can’t imagine what it would be like for a woman.

  • Every day, I am resigned to say that there are better guys than me, I feel. This point more than anything shuts me down every single time. It’s like all vestiges of confidence go down the drain, and I turn to a puddle of mess. I haven’t broken it in 25 years, and I don’t know how to start that now. Point 10 is definitely a nemesis of mine. However, it wasn’t the only nemesis. As you can see, I have plenty of those.

As you can see, there are a whole host of things that contribute to me being a virgin at the age of 25, an age much later than the average in terms of virginity. What’s funny is that I know this is my secret I want to lose, but I have a hard time losing with all the other issues in my face. I wonder which one contributes to which. Am I a virgin because I am all the things I listed? Or are all the things I listed keeping me a virgin? Which one came first, the chicken or the egg? I don’t know. One thing I know for sure is that I don’t really want to continue this way.

I feel as if I would have a hard time surviving if I somehow stay my current virgin self. Not only does society make fun of it, but so do I. I am not happy about being such a craven, weak, shy guy. Even I can tell I put off this awkward, virgin, shy, weak male vibe. I am not wanting to be afraid all the time, and I don’t want the vibe either. Soon I’ll be 26, and I can’t be like this for another whole year, right? I am already frustrated enough at age 25. Another year and I may take drastic measures that scare even me.

I mean, what else could I say. I want to show and display confidence more. I want to really be able to take charge and not come off as awkward. I want to be something different and more improved. So, hopefully, now that I wrote these down, I can now start saying bye to these things. Hopefully, in the process, I can start saying hello to a better life. I need to because the life I have now is rather empty to me.

Tell me what you think.

-Noisemaker

P.S.

Did you find yourself agreeing with me anywhere in the story? Let me know that too.

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10 comments

  1. Jack Virgin · January 19, 2016

    Reblogged this on Feeling No Love and commented:
    I think this is what is going to help me re-examine my life. What’s written here is something I can relate to and perhaps a similar post will be written here on this blog.

    Only thing I may not be able to entiely relate is religion as I’m not religious. At the same time a person who chooses to abstain from sex for religious reasons have my respec

    Like

    • TheJoyfulNoisemaker · January 19, 2016

      Glad that you feel you can relate to this. I am glad that you found something that resonates with you. I understand that you’re not religious. I respect everyone’s choice of religion, whether to worship or not to worship. It’s fine with me. I’ll be the 1st to tell you I’m not preachy when I do this blog, obviously. I just like to spread public awareness towards adult virginity, in which there is none. I write my experiences so that others who may be in my position may find they’re not alone, because I feel alone. I basically write my virgin pains out to tell people like me who feel alone that we are not. It’s a silent thing to be an adult aged virgin today. So, I write about that. I suggest you keep checking out my blog. I try to post regularly, so I guess I may write something again that you can dig. Keep in touch. I’m glad to respond back.

      BTW, if you do write something about virginity, then repost it to me. I’d love to read your story. What did you find yourself connecting to in my piece, if I may ask?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jack Virgin · January 19, 2016

    I can relate to the fear aspects. What do I do when someone actually does like me and how to keep from losing them although it’s bound to happen regardless no matter what. People grow apart sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that it happens. I really believe two people should stay together although I recognize sometimes they shouldn’t.

    Also I write a lot about virginity on my own blog. The stories tend to vary from past women to today. I’d be glad to share them with you at some point.

    Like

    • TheJoyfulNoisemaker · January 20, 2016

      Yeah, it sounds true. The fear part is related to thinking that I won’t be able to attract her, and she will then reject me. I then get scared of trying to make a move. I tend to think I’ll fail instead of having great success. It is what it is, I guess.

      Anyway, I would love to read up about your virginity story. That would be quite interesting to me, honestly. I’ll check out your blog, then.

      Like

  3. johnhughmorgan3 · February 1, 2016

    Noisemaker – I’ve been there and I know the awkward feeling. Some suggestions: Realize that you are doing it God’s way and not the world’s way. That means it’s your job to stand higher than the average guys out there. If a Christian marriage is what you’re holding out for, then I don’t think your looks are going to be what that one special girl is looking for. It’s going to be your character, self control, and what she sees in you as a potential husband and father. You know this – Don’t compare yourself to anybody. Be your own authentic and original person. I’m a virgin too. Just double your age and add 4. Thanks for visiting my blog.

    Like

    • TheJoyfulNoisemaker · February 1, 2016

      Thanks, John. I am glad that you took the time to view my blog. And thanks for the comment as well. You are right. I know I am meant to be a virgin not for anybody else. I, however, know that I do have issues anyway. I can’t overlook them either. Attractiveness does play a factor in most relationships. I do want to be attracted to any future mate and to have them see me as handsome and suave too. I don’t want to not be attractive to them either. Well, that’s what I think at least. All the other ones are huge factors as well, just like pleasing God, in how I’ve become a virgin. I can’t just say that I am a virgin for God. It would be wrong to just say that. I know it’s not the truth in all reality. Plenty of other Christians had sex either post-salvation or pre-salvation as well. I have been a single Christian my whole life, and I can see why that is. Fear and anxiety with girls helped a big way.

      So thank you for your statement man. I’m glad you tried to cheer me up, but I just know too much about me to think my virginity has been rosy. It’s been a journey full of ups and downs, with more downs lately. I now fear telling girls I’m a virgin, because I think people think it’s weird to be a virgin at 25. My virginity’s become a painful secret for me, and it’s probably why I will write a blog post on why I may not be waiting for marriage. That will be a little bit later, but as of right now I will only say thanks for being here. Thanks for being here, though. It’s cool hearing from a 54 year-old virgin. Awesome. I’m not alone either.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Genevieve · May 16, 2017

      J’en étais sûre! mais ne n’ai pas la preuve! Je pense que j’avais plutôt le Château en tête …il me manquait l&rtauo;qrsiste et son chevalet.Je me réjouis d’avance pour tome III

      Like

  4. Mickey · May 16, 2017

    I swear you always have the best pisrutec! I have to say though that it sucks to be in these photo shoots… the water gets lukewarm and your makeup cakes up really fast because of the humidity. Have a great weekend! xoxox

    Like

  5. Skip · May 16, 2017

    Shoot, so that’s that one supoesps.

    Like

  6. We all get confused at some point. If it helps, just write it down on a blank paper what your goal is one year from now, 5 years from now, 10, 20 so on… and what you want to have done by then.Next to each goal, figure out how much money it would take, for example if the laser hair removal cost 4K, and you can wait 5 years, then you only need to put away what $750 a year? plus you earn interest/dividends.I often find it helps me. Especially with a big ticket item.

    Like

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