“Late nights I can’t sleep
Will I fall Will I peak
Through the curtains all I see
Fingers pointing at me
And they’re watching They are watching
And I’m wondering what they thinking, thinking bout”-Lecrae Fear
Fear Lately, that has been the emotion I have lived by. If there is any phrase that best sums up my mind right now, it would be this. I have been needing that contentment so badly in my life, and if you knew me, you would know why.
So, if you read any of my posts, you would find out really quickly a few things about me, with probably the main thing being that I am a virgin. I am not only a virgin, but a virgin at the age of 25. I happen to be an adult male virgin. I say that not to be boasting or prideful over other people, though. Truth be told, most days I struggle with being a virgin, especially in the culture I live in. Yet, somehow, I continue to go on. I write about my struggles, my victories, and my hopes as being a virgin right now, and being a virgin where I’m at in my life. Some good, some not so good. This post will be an adventure and a wild ride, because I got so transparent on this one. I got highly emotional writing this, because I have never exposed my soul like this. Without further ado, here I go. You can read for yourself.
For the longest time, I have had a question inside my mind, unremittingly running over and over again like a broken record. It must hold quite the significance, right? I mean, if it were nothing, it would just escape me. However, I seem to be unable to escape it. And secretly, I think I like dwelling on it. Now, what’s the question I’ve been asking? My question isn’t really a question of right or wrong on this one. It really isn’t a straightforward answer, because there really isn’t an answer for it at all. My question deals with imagination. My question deals with fascination and fantasy. It has to deal with being a perfect world, and what I would be like in that perfect world. To sum it up, the question goes:
“In a perfect world, would you still be a virgin?”
However, I think the question could be better asked like this:
“Do you think you’re weird because being a virgin?”
Sometimes I find my answers swaying towards yes, or better yet aw, yes.
See, even though I am a virgin, I also know that my first time is something I secretly, deep down, want to experience, at least once in my life. This is funny to me, because I didn’t really have any thoughts to lose my virginity in high school even.
See, I think I was a late bloomer. I wasn’t focused on that. I was focused solely on getting the grades and moving on to college. I wasn’t consumed with the thought. Of course, if some pretty girl were to start falling for me, then that would have been great. That never happened, though. I just stuck my head in the books and lived there. I never regretted it in school.
Part of me regrets it now, though. Even though I do desire to stay a virgin, a part of me wants to actually try sex, marriage or no. Beyond that even, I also fantasize about my first time and how special I want it to be. Not just because of libido, but rather it’s to experience what I think is the intimacy, passion, oneness, and the different dimension of love that I’ve never had with anybody before. The deeper parts of sex draw me more than just the release.
I am not sure I anticipated being a virgin at 25. I’m glad I am now, but I always thought I would have that perfect first time, and that magic evening. I even had it drawn up in my mind as to how it would go, and I even had an idea as to how beautiful my lady would be. I always pictured my first time being something so romantic, almost out of a romance novel. There would be slow romantic songs playing in the background, r&b like, and it would be a romantic evening.
I always envisioned lots of kissing, lips on lips, lots of intimate contact, with her removing my clothes slowly until I’m naked. I wasn’t thinking of just ripping off clothes, so quickly. I would want something that lasts, not a flash. I don’t know if it would be too descriptive, but I always thought she would fondle and touch me everywhere, especially on my chest. Then I always hoped she would do lots of kissing and hold me securely and tightly. Focus on the world secure. That is what I want to feel in her arms. So, that is what it would start out like.
I would then want to basically drink and feast my eyes on her alluring body. I don’t know any other way to say that. As she would be my first, I would just want to find her resplendent. I would hope to make it last for forever, touching her, kissing her, and making love to her in perfect oneness.
I have never really touched a woman, but I definitely want to, especially in those certain areas. It’s a curiosity of mine, honestly. It’s weird, I know. Don’t scold me for it, though.
However, the part I want to kiss most is her lips. I want to kiss her body, and her lips much much more. I always thought about the neck, too. I’ve seen that before, and it looks like it’s pleasurable. Getting to kiss her lips and her lips kissing me is something new for me. I have never done that before either. Well, okay, I kissed, but only 1 time. It felt amazing too, and I personally would like to feel it once again for the life of me. So, yes, plenty of kissing.
I just picture it now. It would be bliss, filled with wonder and a whole lot of orgasm. It would be mind-blowing, freeing, and opening. I just don’t know how to say it, but it would definitely be a night to remember, that’s for sure. We are talking, complimenting, and basically making love with words. That might excite me more than anything at the end. Then we both take each other and receive each other, face to face, chest to chest. The Beast with Two Backs with earth-shattering, orgasmic joy. My fantasy would be so awesome.
I know that probably my first time will go much worse, and it won’t be as good as I hope it to be. Regardless, I have never had any “amazing” in my real life, and I kind of wish for it too. Because of that, I feel like there has been some dimension of me missing for some reason. It’s like a unfulfilled expectations, nonetheless. It’s weird to be the “holdout”, while everyone else gets what you never have. Lately, I feel like there has been a part of me always wondering why I am not having sex, and why I haven’t done that. What’s even worse is the feeling that I am missing out on one of the joys of life, wondering whether I’m wrong for not having this experience, and wondering whether I am truly losing because of my virginity. To put it into words, the way I feel is uncertain, unsure, with my confidence wavering and insecure.
Now, why would I say that?
The typical guy is tough, rugged, skilled, talented, and an all-around ladies man. He’s super smooth, debonair, while possessing an edge to him. That doesn’t seem to ever be what virgins have. Virgins are more the Steve Urkel, Poindexter type with no expertise with women, and are the type no woman wants. That’s just how it is, I guess. Guys are seen as studs when they can land plenty of girls, while the ones who don’t are losers, geeks, and dweebs. Thus, almost every virgin I’ve seen portrayed are the backwards, unattractive, sexually repressed freaks, who need to be released from their frigid ways. Guys then become cool once they lose their virginity. The ethos is so clear: losing your virginity = being cool. Have you ever seen a cool virgin anywhere? I haven’t, nor do I think I ever.
I don’t think they exist, and they definitely don’t exist with me. I don’t think I would break that stereotype either. I’m peculiar, just to sum it up, and I’m not rugged either. I’m a skinny guy with like no muscles. I don’t feel like you could call me a real man. No way! I’m not “cool” at all.
So, when I hear that I’m not a real man for being a virgin, I believe it now. Here’s why.
In Church culture, singles are seen as pitiful soul spinsters who just can’t get anybody to marry them. In mainstream, a single person is not as bad. However, a single person who can’t get dates is a loser, a person who can’t attract women is ugly or nerdy, and a nerdy is just dysfunctional like the other 2. It’s hard for me. Everyone says and points out how I’m a loser, all due to being a single virgin.
So when I think of my singleness, it’s how I said it before: I’m single not from choice, but from circumstance. After all, if you haven’t even had anyone try to go after you, then there isn’t any way to choose another way to go. There was only one option. I haven’t had a woman even glance at me, let alone say they would want to date me. So, I am basically the last kid picked in gym.
I mean, when you haven’t had another option in terms of being a virgin, or even have had another person want to be with you, how else can you sum it up other than to just saying you’re a misfit who nobody wants? That’s what the culture will tell you. After all, the culture can’t be wrong, right?
We say that a man isn’t a virgin because we believe that a person is not a real person unless they have sex. We believe that people are incomplete without sex. We believe people are losers after all if they are not having sex. I mean, that’s why we tell guys they are little boys if they are not married in Christian culture. It’s why we wonder if guys are secretly in the closet if they just haven’t met anybody after a while. People assume the worst about you as a virgin in today’s world, which is funny. You would think virgins would be easily understood as those who just aren’t having sex and be appreciated for it. That’s not going to happen, not now nor ever. People just don’t accept being a virgin today without having some sort of weird hangup being attached to it.
It’s funny, though, because the culture just doesn’t think that virginity can be done out of purity. Maybe I was just waiting out of chastity. I don’t know. Maybe I was single for God, and being a chaste bachelor. Maybe my virginity has nothing to do with being uncomfortable with women or being scared or shy. Maybe I am attractive enough to get a girl, but I just haven’t done so. Maybe I’m a virgin by choice. Nope.
Apparently, the reason I’m a virgin because I’m the type no girl goes for. I am simply the type who just is too weird that gets rejected or something. I apparently am so unattractive that no one goes for me. I apparently the type that can’t get a woman, or I secretly must like men too. Hey, it makes more sense to most than to be a virgin, though I believe it to be far from the truth.
Truth is, though, I believe that neither explanations are fully correct. I believe there is a third reason why I have remained a virgin. That’s not the question I have raised, the most, though.
The question isn’t whether or why I am a virgin, but rather virginity is wrong, wrong, wrong. The answer to this question isn’t as simplistic as it sounds, though.
I could just say it’s not wrong and end it there. I could say I’m doing it for Jesus, and that would solve everything there. However, I know many sexually active people or previously sexually active people who are sincerely after God’s heart too. No doubt I’ve raised questions about myself as I’ve gotten older. The virginity is wrong question is one of the biggest of those. After all, who goes through so much of their life without someone interested in them? Don’t you start to wonder if no one says anything that you are perhaps the opposite in that you’re hideously ugly? I have.
For a longest time, I didn’t care to think about my virginity. Now, it seems there is an undying need to know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I am trying to explore the reasons behind my virginity now, to I guess prove I’m really normal or not. I guess after seeing kids in high school having sex while you have been the nice boy, you wonder if being abstinent and nice is worth it. You wonder if your celibacy is out of place in the world, and wonder if anyone understands anymore. It’s where I’m at now.
Being a virgin at this age just isn’t you are waiting or something. It’s more that you are a mess in that you can’t get laid. Is that a truth or is it a stereotype? I would have to say it is the 2nd, hopefully. However, most people will jump to say it’s the first only. Well, I have thought about this, and I came to the conclusion that there is indeed something wrong with me. However, what I have found is that my virginity is not the issue, but rather it is a couple issues keeping me a virgin that may be.
What I have found out after self-examination is that I have two issues I need fixing, and they have nothing to do with being a virgin. My virginity has nothing to do with my two issues, but my two issues may have helped get me there: shyness and my loner’s mentality.
What I have found out about myself is that I lack confidence and get sheepishly shy when it comes to certain situations. Yep, I am the shy guy. Actually, I am more of the wallflower. I know that I can actually be outgoing and all that, but for the most part I keep to myself and just am rather shy. I can’t tell you why that is, but I just tend to hide in my shell and live in it. I just live in my shy shell, and I try to stay away from social situations where I am forced to talk to people.
I am shy with people in general, but I am especially shy with girls and around girls for some reason. I just tend to get silent and my confidence just sinks like a rock. It’s like I don’t know what to talk about, and I end up saying something stupid all the while. I lose my wits and end up looking foolish all the while. So, I am now super-conscious over what I have to say now. I talk like a mime for some reason. I almost have no strength or bass in my voice after all the while.That is what happens around other guys, and it’s even worse around girls too. I can’t even barely talk to other girls without looking stupid or whatever. I seem to feel so self-conscious when I try to talk to a girl. I simply don’t talk to that many women, and if I do, it’s not for a long period of time. I don’t have enough to talk about anyway.
My shy, timid persona really hurts me more than it helps. I have missed out on a lot of great work opportunities because I live in fear too many times. The coward I am curbs any attempts of living in faith, to be honest. I try to be courageous, but I only find the lion from Oz instead. Boy, does that show up with talking to girls. I turn to jello where I’m so inferior to them, and I can’t talk to them. I have no issues saying that about me. I just get too nervous around other people, and my shyness ends up killing me most days.
Obviously, if you are shy around people, you are less likely to be in social places where you will meet women. However, I tend to not care that I do. It’s all due to my second problem: I tend to be by myself most of the time. I’m the loner. I like my company a lot and maybe a little too much. I like to go play basketball, but that is only with guys.
That’s about the only thing that I tend to do with friends I meet. Even then, I go there by myself and leave alone. I don’t really have a group of friends I’d consider I hang out with consistently, all the time. It’s different with me. I tend to be a loner, something which concerns my family a whole lot.
I guess it doesn’t frustrate me enough to change me, though.
I tend to like my personal space far too much, and I like to be by myself to care to change. I like to be alone, and I like to go be by myself. Hey, Jesus retreated to pray by himself. I know I need to retreat and pray and get away myself. I like to do it too. However, as much as I like it, I think I like it too much to the point where I’m distant from everybody. I have friends that I sometimes don’t talk to for weeks. I sometimes don’t even see them for a long time, yet they’re my friend. I must not be a good friend, but I just am away because I don’t talk much and stay alone. I guess that’s me.
So, with being a shy loner that I am, it’s hard for me to say that being an adult virgin is a problem. I mean, being a virgin doesn’t make a person those things. Maybe those two problems contribute to being a virgin, but a virgin doesn’t make those 2, do they? I don’t know.
What I do know is that if being a virgin is a problem, then I will continue to be a problem child.
Why would I say that?
I say that because being a virgin is also so good for me, and I don’t want to change that.
I like being a virgin because I am also single and celibate through it. Being celibate and single has been a huge source of joy in my life. The basketball I can play, the hobbies I enjoy, the time spent enjoying my life and intimacy with God, I get to do all those without anyone else encumbering my time. I don’t have to wait on anyone else, and I don’t have to dole out my time between a girlfriend either. I get to do all those things, and then have fun. I have a ton of fun being single. I am able to go out and do things the way I like to. I can sing, dance, do piyo, learn cooking, and do whatever else is cool with me, and that can include people whom I have great friendships with. So, how could being a virgin be a problem? I’m not even bitter about it.
I enjoy so much the joy and free time in my life that I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world. So, I am dedicated to changing the stereotype of virginity, and I’m dedicated to showing how virginity isn’t a problem, but truly can be a source of great joy. Why? Because I know in my life virginity has been a source of great joy.The friendships, the times I’ve shared with those friends, and the fun times I’ve had alone all portray that to me in incredible ways to me. So much so that if I were to never have sex at all, then I would be okay still. You don’t have to be in a relationship to have a life. Singleness is still a great way to live. I’m going to show that, and not let other people tell me otherwise. So, hello, world, I am here to show how virginity ≠ problem. Get ready to see how.