Why I sympathize with Elliot Rodger

I was watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU yesterday. It was quite interesting to watch. It was basically an episode detailing a young guy who works as a bike messenger, but his life is characterized by an internal lack of female attention.  He’s a very smart guy, but one thing he is not good at is getting ladies. He is a kissless & dateless virgin at the advanced age of 22. Green with envy over seeing everyone else have more success with girls, Holden (the character’s name) turns violent and starts attacking people who he feels wronged him in the past or better yet represent them.

All the good-looking guys that the ladies flocked to, the beautiful women that never gave him the time of day when he was younger, and the girls his age that overlook him like he’s invisible soon became victims of his ubiquitous wrath. Holden ended up attacking and killing 3 people in the episode, as well as assaulting 3 women from his past that he felt never gave him a chance. One of the girls was a girl who blew him off for a football player big in brawn when she was 15. So, he always had a hatred for big, muscular jock guys too. Holden was nonstop and even got to the point of holding the school on rampage. It took a female officer bonding with him and finally giving him some sense of affirmation that stopped him. Well, that and a sniper bullet. That stopped Holden for sure.

I don’t think I need to put out a spoiler alert that Holden isn’t really Holden at all. Nope, Holden actually represents a blast from the past. Holden is actually someone who made national headlines and even helped create a national twitter hastag #yesallwomen. Holden is Elliot Rodger. That Law & Order episode was an art imitating life thing.

#Artimitateslife.

Or better yet, art imitating my life.

At least that’s what I’m finding, I think.

Law & Order likes to take headlines like Elliot Rodger and sensationalizing them with gloss & tinsel. It’s just the thing they like to do, making art that’s close to real life. It’s easy to relate to at that point. Holden March as Elliot Rodger was a prime example of that. Holden the caricature I thought portrayed the mercurial Elliot quite well. From all descriptions and video logs of Elliot Rodger, it seems to me that SVU did a good job with characterizing Elliot, down to his exasperation. From Holden’s melancholy over not being picked by any girls to Holden’s rage against the world over feeling snubbed by girls, it could be said that Holden didn’t just do Art Imitates Life. Rather, it could be said that Holden made Elliot relatable to the audience at large. Holden did that with me for sure.

What I may say may be overall dangerous to say, but I will say it anyway: I sympathized with Holden (Elliot) and really understood their pain overall.

Now I know what you are thinking right now:

How could you sympathize with some misogynistic serial killer guy? He’s evil and morose. That person is a psycho, he’s screwed up. No one should sympathize with a killer like him.

I do, though. Let me explain why that is.

It’s not every day that I sympathize with a serial killer, but I, like Elliot, am a guy that you could consider on the outside looking in. After all, if you got to read my blog, you will find that I am an atypical guy. Starting with the fact that I’ve never sex, to the point that I’ve never even really kissed a girl before, and you find out how different I am as a 25 year-old virgin compared to most my age and even younger. It’s sad to think about it in that framework for me. I also, like Elliot, know that he did struggle to fit in as a kid himself. I was a misfit all my own. I didn’t have that wide circle of friends or cliques at all. I am better described as a loner. I live as a soloist, just like Elliot. Through that, I also felt unnoticed by everybody. I was known as that nerdy guy, but that was it.

Being the smart guy was only good enough to register a tiny blip on the social radar. I was the lowest rung on the social ladder in total. I read how Elliot was the same way in school, with people never really paying attention to him except his schoolteachers who called him “Our Elliot”. I was a big hit with my teachers too, but not too much with other classmates. I wasn’t even invited to parties, prom, or homecoming. I wasn’t good enough or popular enough in my opinion.

In my opinion also, I think I shared in the pain that Elliot went through, an outcast to the full core with no one willing to listen. The culture at large has basically deemed men to be some sort of sickness to men who don’t get sex. It’s like a rule or something that says that if a man hasn’t had sex with a girl by a certain age, then that dude is some sort of loser. I’ve faced that internal thought in my head, especially after seeing everyone else get into relationships as I enter my mid-20s. It is very difficult to be a virgin past a certain age. I can only postulate that the fact that the ‘kissless virgin’ title probably felt like an albatross on the neck in his final year of life. His manifesto basically became a lament on the kissless virgin thing, and I completely understand him as one myself.

However, one thing that I want to know the answer to is this: if he knew that there was another kissless virgin out there, would he have still gone through with his killing spree? That is something I continually wonder all the time. I wonder if his anger was more at his virginity or his loneliness?

It’s one thing to be a perceived weirdo and loser, but to have no one come hug him or give him affection had to hurt him even more. It’s already bad enough dealing with never having had someone to kiss you, hug you, or touch you in the slightest, especially when you want to have someone to kiss, hug, and touch, but to deal with the stigma of society deeming you a loser at every turn, it had to hurt Elliot even more. Why do I say that? I say it because I have faced painful stigmas throughout my 25 years as well. Being an adult virgin is an isolating position for me. I wonder if it was the same for Elliot. I’ll never know the answer to that, but one thing I do know is that I can sympathize with him as a virgin misfit, stigmatized by the culture at large. I know I have sympathy for him on that end.

Well, at least some. I still can’t sympathize with his killing spree. I can’t sympathize with people wanting to go out and harm others, and I never could either. However, to call Elliot a monster and end it there is insufficient in my eyes. I think there is more to his story and more to him than just “virgin killer”. That stuff is exactly what I have heard as well, and I believe it does only worse harm to people who aren’t successful with the opposite sex. I’ve heard it from quite a lot of people in my life in different ways, to be honest with you. It drives me crazy too. I vehemently do not like it, and I really can’t stand the media’s portrayal of virginity either. It gets on my nerves.

That’s why I have to believe that Elliot was a microcosm as much as he was a monster. I mean, if people were around Elliot (another big problem) telling Elliot that there is nothing wrong with being a virgin instead of telling him how pathetic he was for it, I have to believe things would be better for it. Maybe he would have had a better image of himself, instead of the ugly short Asian boy losing to jocks. His mind seemed to be very much influenced by that school of thought. Just look at the PUA sites he used, for starters. I mean, this is what I am trying to get at and attack against.

If we didn’t put such an emphasis on getting girls and saying that’s manhood, would he have done this? I sometimes lean towards no when I think about him. Did he contribute to his downfall? Without a doubt yes. However, can I say that society and culture are off the hook either for someone like him. I just think if we went to gather arms around him and tell him that he wasn’t some virgin loser, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened at all. That’s why I choose sympathy. I know many will choose vitriolic anger in regards to him, but I choose to go the other route as a fellow kissless virgin. You can choose to disagree with me if you want and call him some misogynistic, psychopathic guy, but I can’t go with that knowing first-hand what it’s like to be different as a virgin and the pain that ensues. Try to understand that, and maybe you will have a little sympathy for Elliot too.

Whatever, Matt Walsh

Girl you can tell everybody
Yeah you can tell everybody
Go ahead and tell everybody
I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man
Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am
I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man- Aloe Blacc “The Man”

 

“I can look at my life up until this point and separate it into two distinct halves: childhood and manhood. Childhood ended and manhood began precisely when I became a husband and then a father. That is my experience, and maybe it’s just a sad statement about the sort of person I was before, but I suspect there’s something more universal to it. I walk through life as a man, feeling like a man, because I have a wife to love, children to raise, snow monsters to fight, and a family to provide for and protect.

That’s why it pains me to see what’s happening in my generation — how so many of us men are so deathly afraid of marriage and fatherhood. Young men these days desperately hang onto their adolescence, unwilling to grow up and graduate to the next stage of their lives. Record numbers are living at home. Millions supposedly can’t find jobs and can’t support themselves.”-Matt Walsh

 

Matt Walsh runs a successful blog filled with many people that comment on the Blaze about him. The Matt Walsh Blog has a lot more viewers than I could perhaps ever ascertain. Yeah, my 10 views are pocket change to his hundreds, but I still will talk despite it. Matt Walsh may be a popular blogger, but in all honesty, I do not care anything about his views. Despite his claims to be a Christ lover like I am, we could not be more different or have more polar viewpoints.

Why?

He likes to make articles like this: http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/dear-millennial-men-dont-be-afraid-of-marriage-and-fatherhood/

Matt Walsh is a marriage mandater. Matt Walsh believes that men need to be married and have families to transform from boys into men. A classic characteristic of a marriage mandater is that he likes to point out the problems in society (particularly with men he doesn’t think appear masculine) and say that it’s because of “extended adolescence. Hey, his words say it, not mine.

Let it be known now when I say Matt Walsh is my enemy. He’s not. The marriage mandater he and so many of his ilk are fit my definition of enemy. I’ll explain this.

Matt Walsh, the marriage mandater, always likes to point to himself as the perfect symbol of manhood because he protects a child and a wife. He at the same time kicks down men who don’t have wives or families as disordered, childish men who play video games, drink beer, and refuse to commit to women or causes. Basically he calls the grown adolescent boys. He always likes to laugh at guys who live at home with mom & dad, as well as guys who play with their friends instead of “getting serious about kids”. Matt Walsh is a covert case of a bully in my eyes. He is a slanderer of guys, and I always find that when he says those things distasteful and disgraceful. Is that a bit too strong? Maybe. Maybe I need to come off this strong, though.

See, if Matt Walsh were to meet me, I am sure that I would probably be the type of guy he would make fun of. Am I the strong paragon of manhood? No. I don’t even perceive myself to be that superman. Never will I either. For starters, I do not perceive myself to be masculine, not at all. I am not the big, burly man who garners respect from other men. I am quite the passive person, I guess. It’s one of the things I like yet abhor about me. Compared to most men, I cannot say that I am the man like Alex Blacc. I probably pale in comparison to most other guys.

Why would I say that? Let’s examine me.

I am 25 years-old, and I am probably the most dorky, quiet, timid guy you would ever meet. I am single, and I am not wishing to be married either. I like to play sports with friends, I like to run and exercise, and I like to write music, poetry, and this blog. Yeah, I definitely fit the description of family values that Matt Walsh prescribes for everybody. Oh, did I also forget to add that I’m a virgin too? Yeah, how manly. I’m not probably getting casted as James Bond anytime soon. Oh, well, my loss.

See, I probably fit the bill as the childish playboy, and I fit the weird guy description. Every marriage mandater alive could present me as the classic case of adolescent man, and they may even be right. I, however, believe that I would be in the right if I told them to stuff it and keep their opinions to themselves. After all, where is it written that marriage and family is what makes a man a man? Nowhere, precisely. I sincerely believe we don’t need Matt Walsh’s definition of it either. It’s more destructive than helpful in my opinion. So, to all marriage mandaters, lend me your ears and shut your pieholes. I sincerely mean that.

Do you want to know why I hate marriage mandaters and people like them? They always esteem those like themselves yet like to tear down those they perceive as “lesser men“. It’s emasculation at its finest, rearing its ugly head. Marriage mandaters build up the married people ad nauseum every day, calling them the greatest and noblest for spreading semen and conceiving children. Adoptive parents work the same way too, but I feel different about adoption, so I won’t talk about that. They write advice out to couples to help them with raising children, rearing children, and being great parents. Church is a perfect example of this.

Churches will go out of their way to pamper kids with childcare, while at the same time cater sermons to parents all the while, describing the honor and joy of marriage and family. The family man is what church has turned into. Yeah, man.

However, if you were to go to any church, you would find that there isn’t much to be given to singles. The only times singles are mentioned are to tell them “Don’t have sex! It’s fornication!”. Singles are called to the carpet over cohabitation, bars, clubs, and playing sports/watching football with the guys. Singles (and I speak from the experience of a single guy) are the “church losers”. Singles are the ones pushed to the wayside when it comes to church, and the same can apply to marriage mandaters.

I wonder how most would feel about me. After all, I’m not even having sex or cohabitating. I do like to watch and play sports with my friends, but I like music, art, and cultural tastes even more than that. I’m not making kids out of wedlock. After all, I’m a virgin. Oh, right, that’s the problem. I’m a single guy without a wife or kids. That means I’m still stuck in extended adolescence, right? Whatever.

As if virginity isn’t manly either. It’s so easy being a virgin, right? It’s not like there isn’t a struggle staying a virgin, right? Since when does virginity not require fighting and strife? I don’t care how one stays a virgin, whether by choice or incel, it’s a tough battle being a virgin. After all sex is everywhere. I could have conceivably have given in to the culture at large and just do what everyone else does. You know, the premarital sex thing. I never did, though. You would think that I would be commended for it, right? Wrong. It’s just as worse. Being a virgin is the worst thing to be in the world, in my opinion. Well, at least a virgin like me.

Either way I slice it, I’m stuck in a lose-lose situation. There really is no way to win. I’m constantly bombarded with messages from Christian culture and the culture at hand that I need to man up. It all hinges on the same thing. I need to go out and get women and bed them, despite me not wanting to do so. They will say how virgins are psychos if they stay a virgin for too long and how virgins are crazy like serial killers. So, they encourage everyone to get laid. However, Christian culture keeps insisting that all single guys are dangerous if they’re not married and have kids because single men will turn to perversion and become rapists <sarcasm>. It’s the same message rephrased in my opinion. The one thing that isn’t rephrased by marriage mandaters, PUA, dating coaches, or anybody like them is this: virginity is only for childish, ugly monsters. You are one of those if you are a virgin adult. Get used to it.

I guess I need to man up too, huh? Man up and start spreading that kid-making semen, huh? That will make me a man, right? Just like you said?

Whatever marriage MANdater. I guess I’ll never be a real man. I’m not looking to have kids, and I’m not looking to have a wife either. I thought us Christians were supposed to pursue Jesus, who was a single virgin. It seems you guys care more to pursue your wife’s bra and panties than that, sometimes to no avail. Look at the sexless marriage rates and you’ll find why I say that. A little off the mission, right? Who’s to say you’re not immature babies? And Really? Video games and watching football and living at home avoiding debt is the dredge of society? Those are the big sins marriage MANdaters see? Really? Comparatively, aren’t divorce, alimony, and disgruntled single parenting issues somehow? No, the problem is with unmarried folks being smart with risk assessment, avoiding debt and divorce.

Speaking of divorce, isn’t that something we do so well these days. The rates are generally quite high if you look at them. Even in cohabitation, people still are splitting at high rates too, even higher than divorce. Divorce violence is high as well with a high probability rate that there will at least be one incident reported. I think I last read it was 1 in 4 couples. All that and adultery rates, yeah, I can’t even get into that. Why not be smart and avoid relationships all together? It appears that we are not doing life very well together. So, why then are singles being finger-pointed at as the problem by every pastor and marriage MANdater? Why?

Why does a single need to pursue a fail-risk? After all, how many couples in churches are divorced and single moms? There’s a lot of those. How many dads pay alimony? There’s a lot of those. The divorce attorneys make a killing off them. Why pursue a potential divorce and loss? It makes no sense.

I like to spend time with my friends. I like to spend my weekends running and exercising. I have much more fun with that, and I believe I can enjoy my time pursuing those things than chasing children in the yard. Your name-calling isn’t going to work with me, and I hope it doesn’t work on anyone else either. It’s a travesty to me.

However, what I find even more a travesty is how people like Al Mohler, Mark Gungor, and Matt Walsh even have listeners. Why would anyone listen to someone making fun of them? It’s sick, and so is the marriage MANdate. I can’t wait for the day that single people are loved like married people. I probably will be dead by then. I won’t hold my breath. Thanks to people like Matt Walsh. Whatever.

-Noisemaker

My mood: Irate

Virgins are sexual, too

Mi Amor
Masterfully Made and Pristine
If my eyes were forced to glimpse elsewhere
How I would wish that they have cataracts
Mi Amor
Of such desire & sensuality
You give such passion and ecstacy
In manners none could conceivably match
Mi Amor

-Noisemaker

The poem at the top is completely mine, all mine. Pretty good, right? I wrote it actually pretty quickly.  It’s one I just came up with one minute and decided to write down. Cool.

Ever since I was like 16, I had been writing poetry for the last almost decade. It’s a hobby of mine, obviously, and I have always had a passion for creative writing. I just like to write in general, but I think I love poetry the best. It’s the most flowery to me. However, that’s not the only reason why I like poetry. I like poetry and the things related to poetry because I get to show a different side of me like nothing else. Music shows a creative side of me, art shows a creative side of me, and poetry shows off a creative side to me. However, poetry shows off a secret side of me, a more sexual side.

Believe it or not, I am quite the sexual person. I have a quite creative mindset, and I have an ability I believe to entertain a partner in a way that would hopefully satisfy. I do aim to please, after all. Let’s just go with that.

Anyway, my aim is to satisfy a mate with every fiber of my being, and pleasure her in a sense. I always pictured myself as being the best partner ever, making love wise. I always thought I would be able to cater to that woman to where she would never want anyone else but me. i hoped for that, but well. One can hope, right?

See, I have for the longest time dreamed about sex. Maybe it’s because I have never had sex before, but I always pictured for my first time lots of screams, moans, and music that would have the mood going. I always pictured it being a hot and heavy moment, filled with plenty of burning passion and kissing. It’s just been that way for me. I know, I know. I’m a virgin. That totally doesn’t fit in with the description of being a virgin, does it? I guess so. Then again, I guess i don’t fit in either.

I say this as someone who does have a little bit of the prude in him. I mean, I will never say I will try to do anything extreme. Because of that, people label me as boring. I tend to disagree with that. Yes, I am only looking for that one girl to share my first time with. I know many don’t get excited by that. However, to say that I am boring because of that is a sad indictment on me. I am nowhere near that. What’s even worse is when I am called a prude. Now, that is just wrong, and I fight that to the death of me. Yet, that is what virgins get called for some reason, one I find silly.

It all comes with being a virgin in my opinion. For some reason, it seems to me that whenever people hear the word virgin, they imagine it to be like plain nuns and priests that are in a word ice cold frigid. They imagine virgins to basically have no sex drive or desire, and that is predominantly why no one wants to go out with one. In the dating world, it seems virgin has the connotation as prude, and it is associated with boring. I think it is safe to say for most people that virgin = no sex & Virgin =wrong. To me that is a sad thing.

Why?

It’s sad because I constantly see it. Every time I see virginity portrayed, I don’t see it as a positive thing in the slightest. It’s always the prude girl or boy with social awkwardness finally getting his piece of the pie, I guess. That or the super-religious person (guy in my case) finally getting a woman who would want to sleep with him. The super shy nerdy guy who gets a hot girl who finally takes his virginity and makes him cool.  The key word is finally. It’s almost like he finally became a man, he finally met expectation, and he finally grew up by turning in the v-card. He has finally left the frigid, prude zone and became the exciting, fun guy. I don’t know why that is the picture of virginity, but it is not even remotely the case for me. It’s not.

At least I hope it’s not.

I mean, yeah, I am a weirdo and all. I do like to watch game shows, write poetry, write this blog, and write short stories. I mean, I guess those are boring. However, being a frigid prude, how could that be me? How is it in any way possible that I am the frigid prude? I write poetry like this, dance, listen to music, and I have in my opinion a very creative imagination. I don’t know how I could be the boring prude “virgin”. However, that is what I am characterized as.

I fear it may be right, though.

I already told you I’m boring, right? Board games aren’t what most people consider fun, right? So I guess I’m the boring one. I always can say I’m the scared one. I mean, I always characterized myself as living in fear. My first time does scare me when I think about it. It’s my main reason as to why I have never really done anything with a woman. So, yes I do have fears.I haven’t even been anywhere near a woman in my life. I’ve been basically a monk, completely separated from women all together. So, I guess I can be called that monk. So, I know I fit the fear place.

I do have to admit that I do feel different, and I have been called different by many different people. I can tell in relation that I am different compared to most people. I never chalked it up to being a virgin, though. I only chalked it up to being a more private introvert. I can tell that there is an quantifiable difference between myself and other adults too. In my eyes, I do feel younger or better yet immature. I do know that I am easily immature in many ways compared to many.

I’m not courageous, strong, dominant as a male at all. Those things are considered mature traits, I see. Most mature men have those traits. At least by what I think. I would have to say that I don’t have all too much bravado and machismo in persona. I perceive that. Compared to most guys, I wouldn’t call myself all that masculine. I do have to say that I am a bit weak, cowardly, and immature too. It’s probably why I haven’t attracted too many women in my life. I’m not the super strong guy, and I’m the passive guy. I have often been afraid to speak up when I should speak up. I get scared to, for a whole host of reasons. It infuriates me to no end. So, the immature thing, yeah, I fit the bill. I fit it just like every other “virgin stereotype“.

So, yeah, I think it is right. I think I am the prude, nervous, shy, immature virgin that society calls me. Does it suck? Yeah. It stinks completely.

However, what I think would stink even more is not sharing my first time with someone who wants me back.

I guess that’s what keeps me a virgin most days. See, despite my animosity I can feel towards being a virgin, I do still feel happy over being a virgin still. Is it a paradox? I don’t think so. I just believe that I want to stay a virgin for the right time with the right woman only. I don’t know why that’s so shameful, but it seems to be concerning for people. It’s like being a virgin means being the next Elliot Rodger, and that’s unlikely for most. I don’t like it either. I hate being called the virgin just like I’m a leper. I just want to be respected and not called asexual or something. I have a sex drive as well. I have a strong sex drive too, and I know that. I am not some prude guy either. I am comfortable with my sexuality. My poetry can attest to that.

Oh, and please stop saying sexual repression too. and I’m not repressed or afraid to be touched either just because I’m a virgin.  Virgins are pretty sexual too, and this one is definitely. My virginity just means I haven’t laid down with a woman yet and nothing else. It’s sad that is what comes to mind for most, but please stop with this stereotype of virgins. It’s disgraceful to me. That’s all I got to say. Stop it. It’s ridiculous. Virgins are sexual, not ugly, frigid prudes. Let’s start saying that.

-Noisemaker

 

Questions: What do you think of when you hear someone’s a virgin? Would you sleep with a virgin? Do you think virgins are prudes? Answer in comments below.

 

Why I can hate being a Virgin

I’ve never been touched like this- I’ve never been
I’ve never been kissed like this- I’ve never been
I never knew it felt like this- I never knew
I never knew a love like this

I’ve never been touched like this- I’ve never been
I’ve never been kissed like this- I’ve never been
I never knew it felt like this- I never knew
I never knew a love like this-Mary J Blige “Never Been”

 

I have a pretty good circle of friends and acquaintances. As a church-going, Jesus dude, a lot of those acquaintances are Christians. I don’t think there’s a surprise with that. However, I have a lot of friends that are of different religious views as well. I like having a group that includes any and every body. Obviously, I love Jesus. People (church people) tend to forget he went to all men, not just Jews. That’s for another story.

Be that as it may, no matter what our religious backgrounds are, dating and relationships reign supreme in life, and it will probably be that way to death. Along that same vein is sex, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. As I have gotten older to where I’m at now age 25, I have definitely begun to feel a lot more pressure. It’s not the pressure just because I am living without sex. It’s pressure because I live without sex. Don’t get the difference? I’ll explain further.

Nobody ever told me that being a virgin caused me to basically become an outsider and foreigner to everybody else. As everybody presumably goes home to a spouse or a significant other and presumably lays next to them in a sexual manner, I have actually been going home alone for my whole life. The things that they are experiencing when it comes to relationships, I have no clue about. I am clueless as to how to handle relationships or how to negotiate what to do on Friday evening. It’s just a foreign concept to me.

In the same vein, however, my virginity is a foreign concept for them as well. I mean, it is going through my life without having sex ever. I’ve heard that sex is pretty amazing, just pretty amazing! So, yeah, I know it is weird to many people. It’s even weird to me that I haven’t even had sex yet either. It’s just not weird only for the obvious physical reason. The same goes with other people too, I think.

I don’t hide my virgin status from anyone, but I don’t simply tell any and everybody. I simply don’t do that. It would be stupid, man. Too many people would make fun of it for it if I did. However, of the few people I have told, most haven’t had a negative reaction at all. It’s totally different from what I expected in a refreshing way. I was afraid most people were going to make fun of all the way. Most people commended it, which is something I was happy to hear. However, I worry that the “that’s commendable” and “cute” reactions are just being nice. I tend to not believe them, to be perfectly honest. I don’t know how to really react to that, though.

Why? I’ll tell you why. It has to do with a little secret of my own.

I’ve never told anybody this, because it is also a bit difficult to talk about for me. I honestly don’t know how to possibly discuss it without trembling internally. I will try to, however, starting now.

The reason I am shocked by it all is because I don’t applaud my virginity. When it boils down to it, I simply do not applaud my virginity or think that it’s anything special. I mean, I’m a Christian, so I have always heard how much a blessing it is to be a virgin. However, it seems to only be for a short while. It’s not good for long. Most people get married or start having sex by my age now. I’m now behind the crowd, and that makes me upset to be a virgin most days.

Like it or not, there is an expectation by the time they are in their late teens to 20s that a person would more likely than not have done a certain set of things. A benchmark of adulthood, if you will. I could there were called rites. It’s just an expectation of sorts. One of those expectations for most adults is that most adults would have had a relationship by now. Ideally, that relationship by now would have had ended in intimacy, i.e. sex. That’s the expectation for me as well. However, I am far from the case.

I worry that if people were to find out that I have never even been on a date, they would laugh at me for it. I worry that people would start to think and say that I’m weird because I’ve never been kissed either. Well, I’ve been kissed once, but nothing came from it. I guess I break the norm, and I have become the freak. I’m like all weird to most people. I tend to fear derision more than anything, I guess. People can just be cruel and make fun of each other all the time. It’s a human sickness in my opinion, and I am not a fan of it.That being said, people do make fun of being an adult virgin, signifying its pathetic position in life.

I can’t say I disagree with them either.

Why?

Because when it comes to me, my virginity is pathetic in my eyes. Let me explain this.

All my life I had basically been the nice guy. The quiet guy, the shy guy in the corner. I have never been the guy. You know, the guy. The guy with game and sex appeal. I had never been the outspoken type of guy that seems to navigate his way to attention. So, I have always been unable to be with a girl. I just never could attract one. Most girls aren’t into the guy I was. They always said I was a nice, sweet, sensitive guy. They said they liked that with me. However, they didn’t like me to date, though. Nope.

Years later, I can see why that is the case now. I can see the trees from the forest, you could say. I am knowing what I am now. I know what it means to be a nice guy. I know that it doesn’t mean “nice”. I know now it means something different. Something totally different in a bad way.

My “nice guy” really only meant that I was soft, weak, timid. It never meant at all nice. It meant timid, hesitant, and apprehensive. What’s worse was that I found out that I was all of those things. Some moments in my life displayed that to me, and my eyes were opened finally to my lower persona. I didn’t think that it was a problem, though. I never knew I was basically neutered. I called it kindness. I called it meekness. I called it being gentle. That was all a front. Those weren’t true kindness. They weren’t rooted in those things at all. They weren’t rooted in truth. Rather, they were rooted in doubting myself and tons of fear. Through all that fear too, I became the “safe guy”, aka the guy that no woman will ever date. That’s the zone I have been in all my life: safe.

All my life I have basically played it safe. I’m like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly. I am always risk-assessing in life, afraid to do anything that could potentially result in a mistake or a misfire. I never really went out of my way to take a risk and fear the worst. I always stuck to myself and hoped to never be hurt.

Doing that basically guarantees no life whatsoever. I have basically become the king of having never any real success at all. I have been afraid to go and even try anything. So, is it any surprise that I’ve never been laid? Not at all. There aren’t any women wanting to go with a safe guy.

Most people like the risk-taker, the dangerous one, and the guy who can captivate the room. That has never been me. I’ve been the turtle. Yeah, the turtle. I’ve been the guy who has afraid to even touch a woman. I just have been for the longest time. It’s partly because of fear, but it’s also because of uncertainty. My indecisiveness in life was because of uncertainty. I was uncertain to stand up, to be brave, to be bold, and to be confident. Through it, I have now become the weak guy I am who has never felt a woman’s touch nor touched a woman either. I mean, I don’t even know what a woman’s body feels like, curves and all, let alone be romantic with one. I’ve been too afraid to touch one. Isn’t that pathetic!

That’s why I don’t applaud my virginity really. Not only is my virginity seen as backwards to most of society (who more than likely has no virgin by my age), but it just speaks as a sign of my immature emasculated manner. I don’t think there’s any way to possibly applaud it. It basically shows my lower status. It shows how I’ve been a turtle. It shows how I’ve in my opinion have failed up to this point in my life, especially with all the things I’ve never done. I don’t know. Maybe that sounds like an extreme statement, but I believe I need to go to that extreme. I need to become a new dimension of me. Maybe I wouldn’t be the guy who has never once caressed a woman if I had done it earlier. It’s such a failure, I guess. Oh, well.

What do you think? Am I just being too extreme, or do you agree? Also, tell me if what I said resonates with you.

-Noisemaker

How I’ve Become The Adult Male Virgin

When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It feels just like the first time
When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It’s still just like the first time
When I’m with you, with you
with you, with you
When I’m with you, yeah
You, yeah
It feels just like the first time- First Time, Big Time Rush

I never thought I would actually use a big time rush song for a blog post. That’s a little weird for me. Well… onward to my post and the business at hand. In other words, let’s get to the blog post.

I don’t think there’s any need at all to tell you this, but I will in case you haven’t read my blogs at all. I’m a virgin. Even in the top caption of my blog, it does mention virginity in it. So, yes I do talk about it and sex too. Don’t get stunned by it. I just speak about it as a true virgin myself. Getting to know me, I’m a 25 year-old male virgin. I am a 25 year-old virgin with really no dating experience whatsoever. I know there are probably a lot of questions that would arise from a statement like that (Are you gay? Are you ugly? What’s your hangup?). Reading most articles on virginity, it seems that hardly anybody values virginity to any extent whatsoever.

Lately, it’s been the case with me too. As I turned 25 recently, I have had a complete shift in my life. It’s as if I have had turned upside down on my head. I guess I have recently realized how frustratingly lame my life had been up to this point. It’s almost at a pathetic zone. I’ve done so little up to this point in life, and it’s like I haven’t even really lived a life at all. I’ve more along the lines watched it. Nothing exemplifies this more than my sexual status (or non-status). As I’ve never had sex before, I have been questioning some things that I was afraid to question earlier. Recently, I have had a desire to find out answers as to why I am who I am. Accompany that with an awakening of sorts, and I am now left having to answer this same exact inquiry to myself.

I did, though.

What I found was an adventure that required tons of examination and introspection on my end. Somehow I sifted through it all and came out of it with the answer I was long looking for. The self exam, while being a bit painful for me (as it’s always painful to get real with yourself), was definitely for the best and could not have come at a better time to be honest. Why? It helped not inspire my post, but I believe it helped me be able to reveal a side I felt I was hiding. Now, I can see myself for who I really am, and not a caricature. For this post, I got authentic and transparent, and I think I just created my best one yet from it. Expect brutal honesty from me on this one. I will be revealing my reasons as to why I’m the 25 year-old virgin. These are my reasons, so it may not be yours if you’re a virgin like me. It may resonate with those who are also virgins like me. Let me know if it does.

I’ll start with my story.

My life is not the ideal life. I am not really changing the world curing cancer or making an innovation in artificial intelligence to where robots could now do housework. I’m not making an impact like that at all. I think it’s safe to say my life is just menial. On top of that, I have no sex in a sexual world. I think it’s safe to say that the world is quite sexual. From the video games to the magazines on grocery store checkouts, everything is about looking hot and attractive. Music videos really get into detail about sexual escapades with different guys and girls. It’s almost unavoidable to not see a commercial that deals with sex or something in a manner. Needless to say, my virgin self gets a little weirded out by it all.

I feel even weirder waking up to the thought I’m a virgin everyday. You would think with sex being everywhere I would have had it too. However, I haven’t even come remotely close. I’m a kissless virgin, and that makes the culture at large seems to look at my virginity as a paranormal ghost of sorts. It’s not easily understood, but it is easily demeaned. I have had so many disparaging remarks about me in my life, and I’m pretty much used to it. However, none of that could compare to the amount of internal “shame and struggle” I feel about my virginity most days.

Lately, I have had these blanket statements about me that make me uncomfortable. However, I think I need to work through these. After all, I’m a 25 year-old virgin, right? I wonder if anyone who’s also a virgin (or was a virgin like me) has gone through the same internal struggle. After I just turned 25 and hit the quarterlife mark of life, I began to wonder myself what has been the issue with me. I wondered if it was just me. Either way, I will continue on with this, I guess.

What I had found in this internal struggle in my life, after getting real with myself, is that I have not just one reason as to why I have stayed a virgin. Rather, I have a whole host of reasons as to why. I have been I guess kept in the “zero zone” for a whole host of reason. It’s not just a point-blank answer, but a combination has been working within me. I don’t know if I could call it a top 10, but I will try to make it one. It seems to fit better with 10. So, without further ado, when it comes to my virginity, here are my top 10 reasons as to why I’ve become a virgin. I’ll explain it in detail in the list. Here goes my top 10.

Number One: Fear

  • This has to be the biggest one out there for me. I can’t imagine one that is more than this. Does it need to be explained? Well, I guess I will anyway.

  • For a lot of my life, I’ve lived in a shell. I haven’t really gotten out of “turtle” ways at any point of my life. I’ve let life pass me by and opportunities slip my grasp because of it too. None more than with certain girls has this happened. I’ve had crushes on girls. I’ve seen girls whom I was attracted to in my life, but they have all stayed distant. They stay distant because I tend to get “gun-shy”, and I seem to be unable to go after whatever I want to have. I have been the admirer from afar for so long in my life, because my shell of fear keeps me there.

  • I’m like the most soft-spoken guy ever, and I am so timid to where I even hate me most of the time. I run away from confrontation and have never seemed to like conflict. I run from the sight of it, back into my turtle shell. Coward. I talk so negatively to myself about how cowardly, spineless, craven, and pusillanimous I am. You don’t know the amount of times I’ve called myself weak, wuss, coward, loser, and lame in my mind. I tend to be my own worst enemy most days. I hate on myself so much, and I end up trying to pick up the pieces from my self-destruction. I then try to figure out what’s the reason behind it all. I unfortunately haven’t nailed the answer.

  • Is it fear of failure? Maybe. Is it fear of success? Again maybe. It’s probably both to be honest. All I know is that I get the shakes when the moment of truth arrives. As any dating coach, pick-up artist, or anybody skilled with women will tell you, confidence matters. That much I really don’t have. It’s probably why I fall flat most days, not only with relating to people and women but also with all facets of life. My timid ways will if I keep it up keep me in a rut, I’m certain. A very painful rut. I really don’t want that to continue, but for so long I’ve let it. Anyway, that’s point #1.

Number Two: Faith and Values

  • Is there an anecdotal relationship between my religion and my fear factor when it comes to the subject of virginity? I’d have to say yeah, probably. If you read up on my blog, it says it plainly “Joyful Jesus Lover”. I do love Christ and his grace, but I do have to solemnly agree with the fact that I have been a bit afraid of women out of the fear of sinning. It’s partially true, especially after I read how great a gift sex is in the Bible on many occasions (there’s a whole book on it, I mean).

  • However, being single almost means to never touch a woman at all, especially for someone who doesn’t plan on getting married anytime. I’m at the point of just giving up the whole virginity thing, because no one else cares for it anyway. It’s not laudable anymore. So, I feel ready to start thinking of losing my virginity. However, I keep freezing in fear for some reason. Accusation, scandals, and a compromise of morals make for an uneasy mind within me.

  • What’s weird is that my parents brought me up in a sex-positive way (at least I feel). My family is not prudish at all. I do not think sex is evil, and neither did my family. Matter of fact, I know a lot about sex, and I know a lot about the stats out there with sex. So, the topic of sex doesn’t make me scared. It only makes me scared when it involves me.

  • I just have a weird way about me where I tend to repress my sexual side. Maybe for some reason I don’t think I should have sex or that sex will doom me. Maybe I for some reason think I’m evil or perverted. I don’t know what it is, but every time I start longing for sex, part of my mind secretly begins saying that I’m doing something wrong, and I’m sinning when I think about potentially having sex. It strikes a bit of fear, even though it’s an irrational thought. Funny that I have thought about losing my virginity and the thought of sin and wrongdoing still persists in my mind. It’s probably why I can call myself a prude.

  • However, not all of it is related to my being religious. It isn’t. Plainly put for me, I don’t want to basically use a woman for my sexual needs. I do want to be completely committed to a girl before doing anything with her. I always wanted just one girl to give myself to deep down. I guess I’m the hopeless romantic. I always had thought that falling in love with my one and only would be the plan. I realize now that may not ever happen at my rate. Regardless of whether or not I find my lady love or not, my desires for being with my love don’t trump the fear. The fear is two-fold too.

  • I also have personal family issues where I’ve seen the problems of having sex outside true commitment. Being a black guy, baby mamas are a reality in the community. Divorce is too . A lot of things are prevalent in the black community nowadays, to think of it. In the black community, there’s also risk of STIs that don’t often get mentioned, but it’s highly prevalent there. STD rates are pretty common now, and I want to prevent any from getting me, as well as the baby mama jealous ex thing. Those do drive me in a sense.

  • So, my faith and religious values have contributed to me being a virgin, Oh, there’s more, though.

Number Three: The Aphrodite Complex

  • This definitely needs some explaining. Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, was an irresistible beauty. She was so irresistible beauty that in one myth Hephaestus trapped Hera and forced Hera to give him Aphrodite to marry. It’s interesting, yes, but not the point I’m getting at.

  • The main thing between Hephaestus and Aphrodite’s relationship was that Hephaestus could never win Aphrodite. Aphrodite was a perfect beauty, and Hephaestus was dowdy and unattractive. However, Hephaestus still could not resist her and never lost love for her. It’s been that way for me most of my life. Every time I see an attractive woman of sorts, I seem to turn into a jellyfish or something. It’s the goddess complex at work. I worship the ground she walks on, and I can’t seem to make words up when I’m around her. It’s been this way for the longest time. I actually had a crush on a girl for like 2 years, and I could barely say anything to her. I just felt she was way out of my league. I didn’t believe I had a shot, so I didn’t try. Then even if I did get her, I wouldn’t keep her because I don’t deserve her. That’s the mentality.

  • That’s been my life in a nutshell. I have been the guy that will just fawn over a flawless beauty, but will never try to go near her. I have never been in a relationship because of this. I’m an imperfect guy, and the girl is a perfect beauty. What shot do I have? So, what am I supposed to do? Move on to point 4.

Number Four: Physical attractiveness (or perhaps absence)

  • Point 3 touched on this already. I’ll just delve into this further. I never once thought I could attract a partner. Most people in the past have said that I’m simply not attractive. I could end it there, but I will explain it.

  • I’m a skinny black guy. I don’t weigh that much. Now, I do work out constantly, and I do think I’m fit. I do piyo to keep up my fitness, along with basketball and dancing. However, I’m not an Adonis. While I like my body personally, I also know my physique is not the type to be considered attractive at all, despite my long body and athleticism. I have rather big bushy eyebrows and big ears with no cheekbones either. I have had people say I look like an alien because of it. I have to say that I agree with them. Needless to say, I’m not a major hit with the ladies to be a turn-on. I never had a girl really pay attention to me, and I had girls tell me they weren’t interested because I’m not attractive to them. I can’t blame them.

  • I tend to wear frumpy clothes, and I tend to not really focus on my personal appearance. I do work out a whole lot, but I don’t pay attention to my attractiveness. I guess I didn’t think of it as important. Most women don’t look at me anyway. Why bother? Well, anyway, without a degree of physical attractiveness, is it that weird to think that I’m a virgin who’s never dated? Not really.

  • It hurts a bit to admit that I’m not a GQ model or even slightly attractive, but the truth is the truth, right? No matter how it hurts. Anyway, onward to point 5.

Number Five: My nerdy pursuits

  • I’m a trivia-loving, non-drinking, non-smoking, Bible geek. I’m a choir boy who likes watching Jeopardy in the afternoon. Yeah, I’m interesting. I love soul music, choir music, and I love to run, exercise, and play basketball for fun. I’m fun, aren’t I? I write poetry and love songs for fun. Oh, how fun! <sarcasm>. No further explanation needed. To point 6.

Number Six: Anxiety

  • When it comes to women, I have a ton of anxiety. I just get to becoming a nervous wreck, with constant shaking, stomach knots, and the never-ending feeling of fainting. The worst part is that it doesn’t stop. See, my anxiety is two-fold for me. I’m not just nervous by the sight of women. I get nervous over having to approach one. I then turn awkward instantly. The thought of actually having to talk to a woman and strike a conversation is a daunting thought for me. Conversation is not a strong suit for me, because I never really learned how to hold conversations with women.

  • I actually write better than I talk. Anything past saying hi is not good with me. It’s no wonder that I tend to stay in isolation all the time. It’s not because I don’t like people that I don’t like to talk up. I always think I’m going to say something stupid. I worry about what I am going to say so much that I end up doing it anyway. So, I just clam up and stay in my shell. It’s one form of anxiety. I have a 2nd one, though. Let me explain.

  • I have a desire to please. I aim to please so much. I guess it’s the eager beaver thing. I am one of those people who would go out of his way to make sure his partner is happy. I want to really see that they are happy and satisfied. That goes for every single arena in life, and I feel the same would apply in the sexual arena. I get worried that staying a “sexual novice” will be a problem. I get worried that I wouldn’t know what to do or how to act to make the “magic” happen. Is it performance anxiety? Maybe. I just want to be the perfect lover that women desire.

  • I always strive for perfection in whatever I do. I’m a perfectionist. So, I go after goals with everything I got. That also means I fear failure. Being bad or failing at something is like psychologically damaging. This worries me when it comes to sex. I just worry that I won’t be any good for my partner and will not be able to make her happy. I only hope to hear her say that I’m good. It might crush me if I find out that she was unhappy and thought I was terrible in bed and break up with me. Although, being a 25 year-old virgin who’s clueless, what else will I be? Also, what if she finds out I’m a virgin and doesn’t know what to do? That probably will cause her to dump me.

  • It’s pretty safe to say that I worry about a lot of stuff. The sex one is one of the biggest in my opinion. I know from what I’ve read that sex is an important part of a relationship, so my virginity honestly walls me from even making any moves on anyone. I freeze and I get weak-kneed. My virginity makes me worried to go after women in fear that they will find out. I worry that they will laugh at me for it, or that they won’t want to be with me because of it. I haven’t heard too many girls say they would do a virgin. If they’re my age, they probably wouldn’t want to be with one. So, my only hope is to find that one girl who would. I just worry I will run into one of the ones who won’t want to. That in a sense leads to part 7.

Number Seven: Apathy

  • I am not going to say that I just don’t care to have sex. I almost wonder if it’s worth trying. Often I wonder if I am missing out by not having sex, being honest. I do wonder that some days. However, there are plenty of other days that I simply don’t care. I’m like at a 65/35, where I don’t care most days. My other interests take my time, and I am glad to share them alone without having to care about someone else. I’m glad that I don’t have to care about someone else basically taking up my time, especially where I have to worry about their needs. So, I often feel apathetic about finding a girlfriend, despite my lack of positivity over being a virgin. I don’t know. It sounds weird, but it’s the truth.

Number Eight: Introversion

  • Mentioned it already. I’m not that outgoing. I don’t go out to bars and clubs. I don’t like to. I would rather relax and hang out in a comfortable spot. It’s part of my introverted personality. However, I do have a small bit of extroversion about me. I do like to step out of comfort some times, and I like to do certain things like dance, sing, and perform in front of people that many simply wouldn’t do. Those are things I like to do. It’s fun, I guess.

  • The extravert is a rare sight for me but a welcome one. Most days I like to be quiet. I’m so soft-spoken, remember? I don’t know if I like to be loud, but I have been feeling like I need to be more vocal. Most people just don’t hear me being so soft. So, has my introversion contributed to me being a virgin? You’d better believe it.

Number Nine: Finances

  • Does this need to be explained? I guess I will. I do have a job and income, but yeah, I’m not a rich guy. I don’t make that much money. I would like to make more (who doesn’t?). I save my finances right now by not dating, though. So, I am able to save big on my little line of money I have now. If I won the lottery tomorrow, would I start dating? Maybe. Here’s why.

  • I wouldn’t want to start looking at a woman without having my finances high. I feel it’s wrong to date a woman being broke or destitute. I mean, how could you treat her if you can’t afford to? It’s my idealist way. I always dreamed of one day buying that lady anything she wanted, doting on her every need. Jewelry, shoes, clothes, and whatever else she wanted. I again have that people-pleasing mentality, and I want to do nothing but please her. I want to buy her whatever she wants, even at my expense. If I can’t afford it, I’m not treating her right.

  • That speaks to something deeper. It’s the Aphrodite complex again. See, I have such a negative opinion about myself. It speaks volumes to this point. I tend to try to buy people’s love by good deeds, acts of kindness, in a cycle of people-pleasing. I guess it comes back to having a low esteem. I have always thought that I don’t deserve love from anybody. I am quick to see what’s wrong with me. They stare back at me in the face. Well, after past experiences from when I was young, I just felt like nobody would want me or should want me. I never have been able to get over that. So, I try to buy people’s love from them. It’s impossible to buy love, but I guess I try.

  • So, I didn’t want to date until I had plenty of paper to spend on a lady. That day has never come, though. I am not rich. I’m not able to buy expensive diamonds or nice trinkets. I can’t afford that stuff. So, I feel like a failure most days. I feel like a loser. I can’t afford to buy a lady nice things. Who’d want me at that point? I need to change this and get more financial stability in my opinion. It’s being real. Number 9 is such a big point against me.

Number Ten: Comparison

  • What does comparison mean? It means that I tend to look at other guys and how I stack up next to them. I look at other guys I feel most days, and I feel inadequate compared to them. I feel incomptent to stand next to them. It’s like I don’t measure up, despite standing 6’1. Again, back to the low & negative self-opinion. It’s tough. I fall into this rut about me, where I don’t think a girl would be interested in me. In self-fulfilling prophecy, it then comes true. I tend to fall into the trap I myself lay.

  • Anyway, I see other people with more than I am, and I then I view me, and that leads to me everytime saying “I have nothing to offer.” There really is nothing more to offer on the topic, but I know it to be a quasi-truth. I am not the best guy to go after. I’m not rich, debonair, smooth, or congenial. It’s hard to be around me. I have a hard time being around me. I can’t imagine what it would be like for a woman.

  • Every day, I am resigned to say that there are better guys than me, I feel. This point more than anything shuts me down every single time. It’s like all vestiges of confidence go down the drain, and I turn to a puddle of mess. I haven’t broken it in 25 years, and I don’t know how to start that now. Point 10 is definitely a nemesis of mine. However, it wasn’t the only nemesis. As you can see, I have plenty of those.

As you can see, there are a whole host of things that contribute to me being a virgin at the age of 25, an age much later than the average in terms of virginity. What’s funny is that I know this is my secret I want to lose, but I have a hard time losing with all the other issues in my face. I wonder which one contributes to which. Am I a virgin because I am all the things I listed? Or are all the things I listed keeping me a virgin? Which one came first, the chicken or the egg? I don’t know. One thing I know for sure is that I don’t really want to continue this way.

I feel as if I would have a hard time surviving if I somehow stay my current virgin self. Not only does society make fun of it, but so do I. I am not happy about being such a craven, weak, shy guy. Even I can tell I put off this awkward, virgin, shy, weak male vibe. I am not wanting to be afraid all the time, and I don’t want the vibe either. Soon I’ll be 26, and I can’t be like this for another whole year, right? I am already frustrated enough at age 25. Another year and I may take drastic measures that scare even me.

I mean, what else could I say. I want to show and display confidence more. I want to really be able to take charge and not come off as awkward. I want to be something different and more improved. So, hopefully, now that I wrote these down, I can now start saying bye to these things. Hopefully, in the process, I can start saying hello to a better life. I need to because the life I have now is rather empty to me.

Tell me what you think.

-Noisemaker

P.S.

Did you find yourself agreeing with me anywhere in the story? Let me know that too.

Virginity is for Prudes

“The lights go out and it’s just the three of us
You me and all that stuff we’re so scared of”-Tunnel of Love, Bruce Springsteen

Weird reference, but it fits what I will do next and this article too. The 2nd piece of the “Virginity is” series. The first one, Virginity is Boring, is here. Let me be perfectly clear, in advance: while this post is true about me, it’s also a satire about how society at large portrays virgins. So, don’t make this to mean anything more than that. This is not making fun of virgins at all, and I will never make a post doing so. This post is supposed to help destroy virgin stereotypes, which is also the aim of my site. So, read this without taking offense, if you would. Without further ado…

 

Virginity is for prudes. Yeah, I said. Virginity is for prudes.

“Come on, let’s face it. If you are a virgin 18+, you know you aren’t a virgin because you are pure as winter snow. You are some prude who’s repulsed or scared of sex. You probably think sex is gross or something, saying ewww like a little, immature schoolgirl all the time. What a pathetic loser you are! You need to get laid, lose all that prudery, and loosen up, you uptight, fraidy cat! You will be so much cooler then, you loser! So squeamish! Geesh!”

Fraidy cat? Prude? Loser? Wow! First off, I’m a dog person, so how could I be a fraidy cat? Just a little humor in that!

I actually heard someone say that one time about adult virgins, and it really stuck to me. It is such a mean thing to say, honestly. It just made me mad to hear people think of virgins as basically alien freaks, who are uncool. I don’t know. However, what angered me most was the prude thing.

It seems that being a virgin is always some sort of psychosis. It is always seen as some malady that needs to be eradicated of. It’s not normal, and it is never normal to be a virgin, according to world standards. Thus the term prude, someone scared of sex. They call people prudes when they just either aren’t into or they are trying to wait for sex. It’s the ultimate insult term for those weird people that have never had sex before. After all, it has to explain the reasons behind their weird antics, right? “Not having sex?! You’re just a prude! You need to get laid!”

It angers me each and every time, but lately I have been unsure as to why I have been angry. I am not sure if I am angry because of the mean statement, or  because that mean statement may be true when it comes to me.

See, I have been examining myself lately, to find out things that are wrong with me in particular. I have been finding out for sure things I didn’t know were there when it comes to me. One of those things that I found was that I tend to play it safe and live in fear way too often. I am shocked honestly by all the times I let fear control my life and how I live in what the Bible calls the “spirit of fear”. So many decisions I have made I only made because they were the safe decision. They may not have been the right decision, but they were safe ones, and that made it easier to pick them. Here are some times I can recall where I played it safe in fear:

  • I stayed in a former job for 2 years, because I was afraid to leave my job and pick a job I hated.
  • I didn’t drive a car in high school because I was afraid I’d die in a car crash.
  • I never have gone to a party because I was afraid of pressure to drink. I don’t drink, but people like to and make fun of those who don’t.
  • I didn’t go out for the school play because I feared I wasn’t good enough to make it
  • I had a crush on this girl in high school for 2 years, but I never told her I liked her because I feared she was “out of my league”. It was true, but I still blew the opportunity to tell her regardless.
  • I almost didn’t buy my car because I was afraid of having lots of debt.

You see? For so many years I have lived a life in fear, caution, and trepidation. Do you know what I have gotten out of it? Not much, not much at all. See, when you live in fear like I do, you take to flight mode and withdraw from situations that are scary. Lots of things have been scary for me, but no order has seemed scarier to me than when it comes to dealing with women. It is usually scary because I am known as not being a success with girls, and I can’t fake that. My awkward guy is easily there, no matter how hard I try, and I end up looking stupid as ever.

I am the prototypical awkward misfit guy. Most people end up calling me creepy because I am so awkward, I think. I just have no idea how to interact and be social in general, but with girls it gets even worse. I look foolish as possible trying to talk to girls. That’s probably why I tend to hang out with guys. It’s so easy to do that, especially over football. I look awkward just talking to girls. I can’t imagine what I would look like if I actually tried asking girls out. I don’t, but you could imagine.

So, I guess you can now see how one ends up the 25-year-old virgin? Am I a prude? Well, let’s examine that…

If I had to say my main reason for being a virgin at age 25, I would have to say that my virginity came because more than anything I was afraid. I lived in fear that I never went out and did anything different than my normal routine. I never really went out places or pursued places where women would be at because if I actually got a date out of it, a whole lot of things would entail. See, I wasn’t just totally afraid of rejection, but more of success too. Success would bring on a whole host of things that filled me like a flood with fear.

See, there are things, mind you, I also have never done before and am inexperienced at. They don’t all have to do with the s=e=x word, but they are related to them. For starters, I have only been kissed by 1 girl, and while it felt good, it ended way too early for me. The ecstasy was short-lived. It’s what happens when the girl doesn’t want you back. Well, kissing is just one. I don’t even think I have even done any of the 4 bases. I definitely have never been on a date, or been out with a girl anywhere. I haven’t had a girl in particular sit next to me or with me. To sum it up, I have basically never done anything with a girl. The reason for this is easy to tell.

I’d be remised if I didn’t say I was a virgin from just being a good boy all the time. I’m not good, for starters. I sin, like anyone else, and probably even more than anybody else too. I definitely have issues of the heart that can lead to danger if I don’t handle them well. So far, so good. However, The next statement I will make will be painful for my heart, despite it being true. I think that in my case, being a virgin is less about being holy all the time and more about being afraid to have sex. In other words, I am a virgin not just by choice, but because I have been scared to choose otherwise. That’s really why I think I can say this about me without issue. When it comes to the topic of sex, I am a bit of a prude. Yes, I said it and I’ll say it again. I.am.a.prude

 

Even the thought of me having sex does strike me with a lot of fear at times. It will be my first time, after all. I mean, I’ve never even come close to being naked with anyone before, and then they would touch my body too. The deflowering, right? I mean, why wouldn’t I be scared and nervous?

I have always imagined what it would be like my first time. I always thought it would be so beautiful, in love-story fashion with passion & beauty. I know that’s fantasy and it probably won’t be true for my first, but I think it’s still good to hope for it to be great. My hopes just aren’t super high and set up for disappointment is all.

To interject, I  don’t believe the act of sex scares me.  While I cannot say I would be like an all-star when it comes to sex, I hope to be a quick study if given the chance to learn. That combined with an eagerness to please and serve a partner hopefully does me well in the bedroom if I get there.

So I don’t believe that sex scares me.  What I am more afraid of is messing up and being found to keep my word. That’s the reason I can call myself a  prude more often than not. I am more afraid of being unable to keep my promises than the actual act of sex. Here’s why:

I am a “Joyful Jesus Lover”. So, I forge my ideas on sex from the Bible, his word. I normally don’t like to get preachy with people, but will just say this one thing: I believe that sex is not just a physical act or a thing done between two people without a significant meaning. Sex means a whole lot to me. There are two words that I believe describe what I believe sex is to me: 1) consummation 2) oneness. The Bible talks about being one with your spouse, sealed upon each other’s hearts, never to be put asunder by anything. Far be it me to have high hopes, but I guess I am a romantic. I guess I always wanted that, and to wait for a woman who I could be one with. Since I never really found her, I guess I stuck to being a virgin, despite people’s opinions of it.

After reading that as a new believer in my young 20s, I always thought that there would be a girl for me who would love me like that. Better yet, I hoped for that a whole lot. So,I promised then and there that I would stay pure until I found my wife in the future. I set myself to it and was ready to accomplish that goal.

However, something changed one day. I woke up one day and realized I was 23. I was seeing that now everyone else was married, but I wasn’t. I thought for a while that I was missing out or something because I was single. So, I thought I needed to do something fast and find somebody on the double. Before I did anything, literally I had the wake-up call. I found how blessed I was being single. I was literally happy, joyful being single. I had contentment and peace over being single. I actually wanted it and didn’t want to change. I was great.

So, I made a promise, a new promise. It doesn’t wipe out the old promise, but I think it makes a better one. My new promise was to stay in purity all the way until my life is over, single or married. It did sound good then, and it still sounds pleasant now. However, it has also changed too over the last year. It has changed because my desire to really be married has basically died.

Somewhere along the way, I realize the gravity of what it means to be married, and I wondered if I wanted to do that. I then wondered if I was made to be married. The answers started becoming clearer. It was as if I saw myself in the future. I found that I didn’t want to be married at all. Sex drive aside, I really didn’t want to be with anybody. I knew I didn’t. I wasn’t into the whole “family values” thing anyway. I never wanted kids and never was into raising any. So, what was I needing to get married for anyway? It made no sense to me why I cared. So, I basically stopped.

I just didn’t care about it as much as I thought I did. In polar opposition, singleness did matter to me much more. I wanted to be single. I liked being single. I hoped to stay that way. It was like finding a new gift for me that way. I just felt like I woke up and found my true self that day. I found a me that was indeed complete, without a partner.

That’s where I’ve been for the last year. Yes, I still fight a sex drive. That hasn’t gone away. I don’t particularly wish for that to go, either. The reason is because though I said my desire for marriage has diminished a lot, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t marry if I met a person whom I was compatible with completely.

The person would truly have to be that special before I would do it, not just any girl. Just to let you know.

So, while I would definitely be happy being single, I will not dismiss marriage as some sort of possibility in the future. I can’t be fatalistic like that. I just don’t care to get married is what I’m saying. As a Christian, that also means I can’t care for sex either.

That chastity is so against the grain that it seems to get underneath everybody’s skin.

For some reason, my lack of sex life seems to get to everybody else but me. Well, I mean, I do know I am a virgin obviously. However, it doesn’t make me mad or something. I am cool with that. People make it out to mean I’m a loser for it, though. That gets at me. Yeah, that’s when I get called every name in the book, from frigid to weirdo to creepy. Oh, and that one word that starts with a p. Yeah, that prude word.

So, according to everybody, because I don’t have sex, I am a prude. Hey, if they call me a prude, then maybe there’s something to it, right? Sounds silly, right? It does to me too. However, this is what the culture says when you abstain. How do I react to it? To shock many, I actually react not with anger. Anger would be a waste of time & no one would hear. No, I actually use something better.

I actually react with humor and write things like this.

Yeah, I actually make fun of the prude thing.

How?

Think of the word prude itself. Think of where the word prude come from. Hmm… Prude sounds a whole lot like a word I have heard before, one that’s a Biblical virtue. prudence. Funny that a virtue would be considered an evil by many. Especially one with such a beautiful meaning, in my opinion. Prudence is defined as “the quality or fact of being prudent, or wise in practical affairs, as by providing for the future.” Does that sound that bad, really? I don’t think so. Being wise in practical affairs and thinking for the future is a bad thing? Wow! I never knew that.

Why, for some reason, has the word prudence become a bad thing? I don’t know why prude is such a bad thing if all I am is being prudent about things, particularly my body. After all, isn’t it better safe than sorry? Aren’t thinking wisely with good counsel necessary steps for success in anything? So, then why does prudence now mean prude? Also, why does my prudery matter to them so much? Why ?I think I may know the answer to that question. Let me throw out a possible answer.

Have you ever heard this before: “You’re a virgin?! You’re don’t look like a virgin!”? I have heard that before actually. Some guy actually said that to me before. I was a little flattered by his statement, but I was also weirded out by it too. For some reason, she said I was too good-looking to be a virgin. All that meant was that she believed that virgin = ugly. At least he did until she met me. So, having myself come into the picture, he was awestruck by my virginity. I broke the mold, I guess, of what a virgin should be for him. I guess I’m too attractive for that.Thus explains the shocked expression.

It’s also when he started to call me that prude word too.It’s not an isolated incident either. That has actually happened more than once to me.  I am starting to get convinced that whenever people call me a prude, it has to do with the fact that I am attractive in some way to them. Now, is that cocky? Yeah, but I think I should be a little bit. I mean, if I were butt ugly, they wouldn’t say anything probably. However, they probably say something because they do believe me to be attractive, maybe to the point where they’d like to date me. It’s either that or they can’t understand me not having sex with lots of people like a playa.

Now, am I movie star attractive? Probably not. I do believe wholeheartedly that I am pretty good-looking, and can be attractive to people. I am thin, but I like my body. I have good height, long arms, and long legs. That combined with my dark hazelnut skin, and I think of myself as a good-looking guy. So, I believe someone will like my long, thin, hazelnut, body.

I’m an anomaly from the mainstream. It’s kind of cool. An attractive anomaly. It has quite a ring to it.

Some may ask why I even say I’m a virgin. It’s because I want to live unashamed of it. If I were to hide it, it would then become shameful. Why should I be ashamed of it? I don’t want anyone to live in toxic shame over my virginity, and I believe God doesn’t want me to either. (Nor do I believe God shames people if they aren’t virgins. Sorry, preachy again)

So, now I am growing to like the prude label. Now  not only am I different from the mainstream, but I can also show what joy there is outside the mainstream. I can still be a person who thinks of himself as an attractive person, yet at the same time not rely on sex for my fun. My prudery doesn’t mean I’m some ugly hermit who can’t get girls. I can show there are other things in life that are fun out there for me other than that. I’m good being in my goody-goody two shoes, still having fun without being a playa using girls for my fun. Some will say that makes me an uptight prude, that’s fine by me. It still won’t matter. Mr. goody-goody is still good, blessed, …. and attractive if I say so myself.

So, whenever somebody calls me a prude, I don’t even get bothered with it anymore. Now, I treat it as a shallow insult that people use when they can’t make fun of you or are jealous of you. I guess I am doing something right, then, to make you jealous of me. I just know that it means more than just being frigid to you. You want to call me a prude, that’s fine with me. It just means I’m prudent… and attractive too, to perhaps you. So, I should say thank you for your compliment, I guess. And perhaps I should say keep doing it too. I don’t mind being the prude. Just know that I am also prudent too.

-Noisemaker

Proverbs 14:18

The naive inherit foolishness, But the prudent are crowned with knowledge.

 

What do you think of the word prude? Are virgins prudes?

 

Virginity ≠ problem

purity_heart

“Late nights I can’t sleep

Will I fall Will I peak

Through the curtains all I see

Fingers pointing at me

And they’re watching They are watching

And I’m wondering what they thinking, thinking bout”-Lecrae Fear

Fear Lately, that has been the emotion I have lived by. If there is any phrase that best sums up my mind right now, it would be this. I have been needing that contentment so badly in my life, and if you knew me, you would know why.

So, if you read any of my posts, you would find out really quickly a few things about me, with probably the main thing being that I am a virgin. I am not only a virgin, but a virgin at the age of 25. I happen to be an adult male virgin. I say that not to be boasting or prideful over other people, though. Truth be told, most days I struggle with being a virgin, especially in the culture I live in. Yet, somehow, I continue to go on.  I write about my struggles, my victories, and my hopes as being a virgin right now, and being a virgin where I’m at in my life. Some good, some not so good. This post will be an adventure and a wild ride, because I got so transparent on this one. I got highly emotional writing this, because I have never exposed my soul like this. Without further ado, here I go. You can read for yourself.

For the longest time, I have had a question inside my mind, unremittingly running over and over again like a broken record. It must hold quite the significance, right? I mean, if it were nothing, it would just escape me. However, I seem to be unable to escape it. And secretly, I think I like dwelling on it. Now, what’s the question I’ve been asking? My question isn’t really a question of right or wrong on this one. It really isn’t a straightforward answer, because there really isn’t an answer for it at all. My question deals with imagination. My question deals with fascination and fantasy. It has to deal with being a perfect world, and what I would be like in that perfect world. To sum it up, the question goes:

“In a perfect world, would you still be a virgin?”

However, I think the question could be better asked like this:

“Do you think you’re weird because being a virgin?”

Sometimes I find my answers swaying towards yes, or better yet aw, yes.

See, even though I am a virgin, I also know that my first time is something I secretly, deep down, want to experience, at least once in my life. This is funny to me, because  I didn’t really have any thoughts to lose my virginity in high school even.

See, I think I was a late bloomer. I wasn’t focused on that. I was focused solely on getting the grades and moving on to college. I wasn’t consumed with the thought. Of course, if some pretty girl were to start falling for me, then that would have been great. That never happened, though. I just stuck my head in the books and lived there. I never regretted it in school.

Part of me regrets it now, though.  Even though I do desire to stay a virgin, a part of me wants to actually try sex, marriage or no. Beyond that even, I also fantasize about my first time and how special I want it to be. Not just because of libido, but rather it’s to experience what I think is the intimacy, passion, oneness, and the different dimension of love that I’ve never had with anybody before. The deeper parts of sex draw me more than just the release.

I am not sure I anticipated being a virgin at 25. I’m glad I am now, but I always thought I would have that perfect first time, and that magic evening. I even had it drawn up in my mind as to how it would go, and I even had an idea as to how beautiful my lady would be. I always pictured my first time being something so romantic, almost out of a romance novel. There would be slow romantic songs playing in the background, r&b like, and it would be a romantic evening.

I always envisioned lots of kissing, lips on lips, lots of intimate contact, with her removing my clothes slowly until I’m naked. I wasn’t thinking of just ripping off clothes, so quickly. I would want something that lasts, not a flash. I don’t know if it would be too descriptive, but I always thought she would fondle and touch me everywhere, especially on my chest. Then I always hoped she would do lots of kissing and hold me securely and tightly. Focus on the world secure. That is what I want to feel in her arms. So, that is what it would start out like.

I would then want to basically drink and feast my eyes on her alluring body. I don’t know any other way to say that. As she would be my first, I would just want to find her resplendent. I would hope to make it last for forever, touching her, kissing her, and making love to her in perfect oneness.

I have never really touched a woman, but I definitely want to, especially in those certain areas. It’s a curiosity of mine, honestly. It’s weird, I know. Don’t scold me for it, though.

However, the part I want to kiss most is her lips. I want to kiss her body, and her lips much much more. I always thought about the neck, too. I’ve seen that before, and it looks like it’s pleasurable. Getting to kiss her lips and her lips kissing me is something new for me. I have never done that before either. Well, okay, I kissed, but only 1 time. It felt amazing too, and I personally would like to feel it once again for the life of me. So, yes, plenty of kissing.

I just picture it now. It would be bliss, filled with wonder and a whole lot of orgasm. It would be mind-blowing, freeing, and opening. I just don’t know how to say it, but it would definitely be a night to remember, that’s for sure. We are talking, complimenting, and basically making love with words. That might excite me more than anything at the end. Then we both take each other and receive each other, face to face, chest to chest. The Beast with Two Backs with earth-shattering, orgasmic joy. My fantasy would be so awesome.

I know that probably my first time will go much worse, and it won’t be as good as I hope it to be. Regardless, I have never had any “amazing” in my real life, and I kind of wish for it too. Because of that, I feel like there has been some dimension of me missing for some reason. It’s like a unfulfilled expectations, nonetheless. It’s weird to be the “holdout”, while everyone else gets what you never have. Lately, I feel like there has been a part of me always wondering why I am not having sex, and why I haven’t done that. What’s even worse is the feeling that I am missing out on one of the joys of life, wondering whether I’m wrong for not having this experience, and wondering whether I am truly losing because of my virginity. To put it into words, the way I feel is uncertain, unsure, with my confidence wavering and insecure.

Now, why would I say that?

The typical guy is tough, rugged, skilled, talented, and an all-around ladies man. He’s super smooth, debonair, while possessing an edge to him. That doesn’t seem to ever be what virgins have. Virgins are more the Steve Urkel, Poindexter type with no expertise with women, and are the type no woman wants. That’s just how it is, I guess. Guys are seen as studs when they can land plenty of girls, while the ones who don’t are losers, geeks, and dweebs. Thus, almost every virgin I’ve seen portrayed are the backwards, unattractive, sexually repressed freaks, who need to be released from their frigid ways. Guys then become cool once they lose their virginity. The ethos is so clear: losing your virginity =  being cool. Have you ever seen a cool virgin anywhere? I haven’t, nor do I think I ever.

I don’t think they exist, and they definitely don’t exist with me. I don’t think I would break that stereotype either. I’m peculiar, just to sum it up, and I’m not rugged either. I’m a skinny guy with like no muscles. I don’t feel like you could call me a real man. No way! I’m not “cool” at all.

So, when I hear that I’m not a real man for being a virgin, I believe it now. Here’s why.

In Church culture, singles are seen as pitiful soul spinsters who just can’t get anybody to marry them. In mainstream, a single person is not as bad. However, a single person who can’t get dates is a loser, a person who can’t attract women is ugly or nerdy, and a nerdy is just dysfunctional like the other 2. It’s hard for me. Everyone says and points out how I’m a loser, all due to being a single virgin.

So when I think of my singleness, it’s how I said it before: I’m single not from choice, but from circumstance. After all, if you haven’t even had anyone try to go after you, then there isn’t any way to choose another way to go. There was only one option. I haven’t had a woman even glance at me, let alone say they would want to date me. So, I am basically the last kid picked in gym.

I mean, when you haven’t had another option in terms of being a virgin, or even have had another person want to be with you, how else can you sum it up other than to just saying you’re a misfit who nobody wants? That’s what the culture will tell you. After all, the culture can’t be wrong, right?

We say that a man isn’t a virgin because we believe that a person is not a real person unless they have sex. We believe that people are incomplete without sex. We believe people are losers after all if they are not having sex. I mean, that’s why we tell guys they are little boys if they are not married in Christian culture. It’s why we wonder if guys are secretly in the closet if they just haven’t met anybody after a while. People assume the worst about you as a virgin in today’s world, which is funny. You would think virgins would be easily understood as those who just aren’t having sex and be appreciated for it. That’s not going to happen, not now nor ever. People just don’t accept being a virgin today without having some sort of weird hangup being attached to it.

It’s funny, though, because the culture just doesn’t think that virginity can be done out of purity. Maybe I was just waiting out of  chastity. I don’t know. Maybe I was single for God, and being a chaste bachelor. Maybe my virginity has nothing to do with being uncomfortable with women or being scared or shy. Maybe I am attractive enough to get a girl, but I just haven’t done so. Maybe I’m a virgin by choice. Nope.

Apparently, the reason I’m a virgin because I’m the type no girl goes for.  I am simply the type who just is too weird that gets rejected or something. I apparently am so unattractive that no one goes for me. I apparently the type that can’t get a woman, or I secretly must like men too. Hey, it makes more sense to most than to be a virgin, though I believe it to be far from the truth.

Truth is, though, I believe that neither explanations are fully correct. I believe there is a third reason why I have remained a virgin. That’s not the question I have raised, the most, though.

The question isn’t whether or why I am a virgin, but rather virginity is wrong, wrong, wrong. The answer to this question isn’t as simplistic as it sounds, though.

I could just say it’s not wrong and end it there. I could say I’m doing it for Jesus, and that would solve everything there. However, I know many sexually active people or previously sexually active people who are sincerely after God’s heart too. No doubt I’ve raised questions about myself as I’ve gotten older. The virginity is wrong question is one of the biggest of those. After all, who goes through so much of their life without someone interested in them? Don’t you start to wonder if no one says anything that you are perhaps the opposite in that you’re hideously ugly? I have.

For a longest time, I didn’t care to think about my virginity. Now, it seems there is an undying need to know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I am trying to explore the reasons behind my virginity now, to I guess prove I’m really normal or not. I guess after seeing kids in high school having sex while you have been the nice boy, you wonder if being abstinent and nice is worth it. You wonder if your celibacy is out of place in the world, and wonder if anyone understands anymore. It’s where I’m at now.

Being a virgin at this age just isn’t you are waiting or something. It’s more that you are a mess in that you can’t get laid. Is that a truth or  is it a stereotype? I would have to say it is the 2nd, hopefully. However, most people will jump to say it’s the first only. Well, I have thought about this, and I came to the conclusion that there is indeed something wrong with me. However, what I have found is that my virginity is not the issue, but rather it is a couple issues keeping me a virgin that may be.

What I have found out after self-examination is that I have two issues I need fixing, and they have nothing to do with being a virgin. My virginity has nothing to do with my two issues, but my two issues may have helped get me there: shyness and my loner’s mentality.

What I have found out about myself is that I lack confidence and get sheepishly shy when it comes to certain situations. Yep, I am the shy guy. Actually, I am more of the wallflower.  I know that I can actually be outgoing and all that, but for the most part I keep to myself and just am rather shy. I can’t tell you why that is, but I just tend to hide in my shell and live in it. I just live in my shy shell, and I try to stay away from social situations where I am forced to talk to people.

I am shy with people in general, but I am especially shy with girls and around girls for some reason. I just tend to get silent and my confidence just sinks like a rock. It’s like I don’t know what to talk about, and I end up saying something stupid all the while. I lose my wits and end up looking foolish all the while. So, I am now super-conscious over what I have to say now. I talk like a mime for some reason. I almost have no strength or bass in my voice after all the while.That is what happens around other guys, and it’s even worse around girls too. I can’t even barely talk to other girls without looking stupid or whatever. I seem to feel so self-conscious when I try to talk to a girl. I simply don’t talk to that many women, and if I do, it’s not for a long period of time. I don’t have enough to talk about anyway.

My shy, timid persona really hurts me more than it helps. I have missed out on a lot of great work opportunities because I live in fear too many times. The coward I am curbs any attempts of living in faith, to be honest. I try to be courageous, but I only find the lion from Oz instead. Boy, does that show up with talking to girls. I turn to jello where I’m so inferior to them, and I can’t talk to them. I have no issues saying that about me. I just get too nervous around other people, and my shyness ends up killing me most days.

Obviously, if you are shy around people, you are less likely to be in social places where you will meet women. However, I tend to not care that I do. It’s all due to my second problem: I tend to be by myself most of the time. I’m the loner. I like my company a lot and maybe a little too much. I like to go play basketball, but that is only with guys.

That’s about the only thing that I tend to do with friends I meet. Even then, I go there by myself and leave alone. I don’t really have a group of friends I’d consider I hang out with consistently, all the time. It’s different with me. I tend to be a loner, something which concerns my family a whole lot.

I guess it doesn’t frustrate me enough to change me, though.

I tend to like my personal space far too much, and I like to be by myself to care to change. I like to be alone, and I like to go be by myself. Hey, Jesus retreated to pray by himself. I know I need to retreat and pray and get away myself. I like to do it too. However, as much as I like it, I think I like it too much to the point where I’m distant from everybody. I have friends that I sometimes don’t talk to for weeks. I sometimes don’t even see them for a long time, yet they’re my friend. I must not be a good friend, but I just am away because I don’t talk much and stay alone. I guess that’s me.

So, with being a shy loner that I am, it’s hard for me to say that being an adult virgin is a problem. I mean, being a virgin doesn’t make a person those things. Maybe those two problems contribute to being a virgin, but a virgin doesn’t make those 2, do they? I don’t know.

What I do know is that if being a virgin is a problem, then I will continue to be a problem child.

Why would I say that?

I say that because being a virgin is also so good for me, and I don’t want to change that.

I like being a virgin because I am also single and celibate through it. Being celibate and single has been a huge source of joy in my life. The basketball I can play, the hobbies I enjoy, the time spent enjoying my life and intimacy with God, I get to do all those without anyone else encumbering my time. I don’t have to wait on anyone else, and I don’t have to dole out my time between a girlfriend either. I get to do all those things, and then have fun. I have a ton of fun being single. I am able to go out and do things the way I like to. I can sing, dance, do piyo, learn cooking, and do whatever else is cool with me, and that can include people whom I have great friendships with.  So, how could being a virgin be a problem? I’m not even bitter about it.

I enjoy so much the joy and free time in my life that I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world. So, I am dedicated to changing the stereotype of virginity, and I’m dedicated to showing how virginity isn’t a problem, but truly can be a source of great joy. Why? Because I know in my life virginity has been a source of great joy.The friendships, the times I’ve shared with those friends, and the fun times I’ve had alone all portray that to me in incredible ways to me. So much so that if I were to never have sex at all, then I would be okay still. You don’t have to be in a relationship to have a life. Singleness is still a great way to live. I’m going to show that, and not let other people tell me otherwise. So, hello, world, I am here to show how virginity ≠ problem. Get ready to see how.

~Noisemaker

Commentary, please

First Time in Forever

“For the first time in forever, there’ll be magic and fun. For the first time in forever, I’ll be noticed by someone”.-Frozen, Disney

Yes, I used Disney. However, it’s only a lyric. I won’t make it a Disney post. I just thought to use it for my post. What my post will be is something potentially crazy, certainly interesting, and definitely eye-popping. Make sure you focus on the post “first time”, because it is the reason why I made this post. With that, I am going to let you read on. Enjoy.

I am a bit of a dreamer. I dream a lot of dreams, and I tend to live in my head all the while. Most of the time, I enjoy having dreams. I after all have to dream up my songs, poetry, and blog posts. Dreams are good for me. However, I also have dreams that I would like to honestly go away. Actually, I basically have just one dream that plagues me to no end. This one dream is always running in my mind, and I really hate how it takes root in my mind. Yet it still does for me. What is this dream I speak of? It’s actually one that’s pretty embarrassing. To put it bluntly, my dreams have been over one thing and one thing only: my first time. Yes, that first time.

If you read any posts of mine, you may find that I often talk about my virginity. I am a single dude, and I am a virgin single dude too. I happen to speak on a both sides of that, as well as music and other aspects. Lately, I made a post stating why I’m a 25 year-old virgin. I actually am happy being a 25 year-old virgin, but I’ve been having some strange dreams over losing my virginity for some reason. It might sound contradictory, but let me tell you it’s not so.

See, from the time I was a kid, I thought that I was going to be married, and that I would have a house with a wife and such. I thought that because it was the expectation of me. Everyone else was married like my parents were, and I thought I was supposed to be too. No one told me there was another way to do it. So, when I became a teenager hanging around other hormonal teenagers, the expectation became partying and fun. What was that fun? Drinking, drugs, and of course sex. By high school, it was an expectation for me that I never met. Almost everybody was dating or having sex in high school, and if you weren’t then you were just the type that couldn’t get any. For someone like me, it was like I was behind everyone in life. Let’s forget following the crowd, it was more like I was out of the crowd. With every passing year, I feel more out of the circle more and more.

Most people who have babies, had babies already, are about to be having babies, married, engaged, or in a relationship of some kind. Very few people I know are single and if they are, they usually aren’t for a while. So, from what I have seen, someone who has never had sex at an adult age is quite the anomaly. That’s where I stand right now. As of now, I basically look at me in the culture, and I don’t find myself in it at all. I am an outsider, basically due to not having sex like the rest of the culture does. Being around everybody else, I know this for a fact in that I am the misfit.

I am a misfit, and I’m out of place in society. I also feel society doesn’t fit me either. I am obviously am a different type of person for my faith in most circles, but I’m also different in the community of faith due to be a single mid-20s guy. I mean, most people would be getting married in one instant. It would be weird to think about being a virgin single in this culture of marriage and couples. That’s exactly where I’m at now. I walk around most days, and all I see are couples hand-in-hand. I go to the grocery store, and it’s a mom with kids most times. Churches are so kid-friendly now, so family-centric too,  I don’t really have any ability to see other single people most days. Well, single who aren’t dating, that’s for sure. I am not interested in dating, at least right now. I deal with attraction to girls, but I am simply not interested in dating right now. So I’m confirmed single bachelor.

What I’m less confirmed of is that life exists outside of dating and sexuality. Like I said, it seems couples are everywhere holding hands. I don’t know if an alternative exists or not. Likelihood no. For me, I have been on the outside for a long time. I’ve never had a relationship. The reason behind this, I can’t tell you. Could it be I’m unattractive? Maybe. Could it be I simply don’t pursue? Maybe. Could it be I have some sort of repellent personality? Maybe. I wouldn’t put it past all three, plus not good timing. Maybe. What isn’t a maybe is how I am starting to feel about it.

Lately I’m not me. For about the past few months, I’ve been growing a bit sour. I’m not a bitter root, but I just think I’ve been out of sorts. I’ve just got a bit of a down, depressed spirit about me, analyzing everything about me. I feel basically so cast out, where I don’t have a place to belong. I know now that I am more alone than I thought. It is truly me, myself, and I all the time. I don’t have another person who I would consider dependable out there for me. I have only myself as my company. I don’t know what to think about all that. I am having to grow fine with all that, and I really have made great strides. I don’t go out Saturdays, but I never did before really. I don’t go to parties or shop. I wasn’t the social type before. I wonder if being this introvert has caused more harm than good now. Me being an introvert might have caused me to be more alone than most.

It also may have caused me to become a virgin at 25 too. Obviously, if you don’t go to parties, you probably miss out on meeting women. Thus, it seems I am missing out in more ways than one. That’s where I am at now. I wonder if honestly I should have had my first time. I sometimes have the thought that I should have had sex by now or whatever. I wonder if I am truly behind. Lastly, have I missed out on the fun? It’s interesting.

I walk into almost every single room, and I always feel uncomfortably weird in it. I am a young guy, though I feel younger than everybody still. I fit, yet I don’t fit around other people my age, though. I never really have fit around others my age. I happen to be a weirdo with an eccentric group of tastes that many probably find boring. I am also not talkative or engaging. That’s simply not been me. I use poetry to speak the words I dare not say. It is very difficult to find my words. So, I tend to not talk all that much. It’s a bit weird for me. I small talk and that’s it basically. Yeah, weird. i think what may actually be weirder than that is how I am the only one who probably doesn’t have a girlfriend & never has. I am always the lone single guy most times, and I’m the usual soloist. I am probably the only one never to have dated. It’s easy to assume that at an adult age, almost everyone has dated. i think it’s safe to assume every adult probably has had sex, with few virgin outliers. I’m one of those outliers, and I know that. So, when I usually enter the room, I enter as “the virgin”. It’s an uncomfortable thought and an even more uncomfortable secret. It would be scary if my secret got out.  Check that, Super-scary.

I feel like I have failed in some way due to being a virgin. I feel as if I have been some loser because I’m a virgin. After all, only losers never have sex, right? I apparently must be some sort of super-loser if I have never even had a date. It’s like I’m something of an epic loser who’s either hideously ugly, scary, or creepy religious nerd. Better yet, I think it’s all 3. I know it sounds like I’m self-deprecating, but I know I have a million faults. They haunt me as I stare at them in the face.

Look at everyone in the world, and I am pretty much convinced that I am the only virgin in the room almost every time. After all, I’m not a family man, engaged,or a ladies man. Nope. I’m not that by any stretch of the imagination. I am just me, and being me doesn’t seem all too good sometimes. Being me sometimes feels like being an outsider, and it sometimes feel like a failure. What can exemplify that more than being a virgin at 25?

I’m wondering if being a virgin is a fault too.

Why?

It’s easy actually.

I am a virgin not really by choices. I am a virgin really because I had no other option but to be one. After all, there really wasn’t anybody lining up or looking at me as a possibility. it wasn’t a possibility. I never gave a reason for someone to look at me, aesthetic. So, I wasn’t really an option. It didn’t affect me in those younger years, but it seems now more than ever it affects me. For the first time in forever, I have a hatred over being a virgin.

Now, I guess it’s a love-hate relationship with being a virgin. I love it in that I’m doing it for God and standing for purity, I guess However, I am just starting to feel like nobody cares about purity anymore. Most people don’t care about it at all. Actually people make fun of wedding-night virgins now more than they applaud them. “It’s going to be an awkward wedding night!” Isn’t that what most people think, right? So, if virginity isn’t important, but better yet the loser’s status symbol, then I am loser status. Yup.

Yet, for some reason, I am great with being a virgin. I am great with being a virgin, despite what culture, other people, and even myself say about it at times. How?

I am okay with it because I know deep down past it all that this right and best. I know deep down that I am doing the right things, and that I have a lot of great things out of it. I am grateful for those things. I know if I didn’t need sex before, I don’t need it now either. That statement just probably shocked the sexualized culture & fundamental marriage-mandaters just now. I still stand behind what I said, not just for me but for everybody else. I will always stand behind it too, single or not. I know what a great gift it is to be single, like Matt 19 & 1 Cor 7 said. I know that purity is what’s right, no matter what I even say about it. So, I continue to stand up and take my plight up. I just know it’s worth it, and I will make it worth it.

Through my singleness, that I can kill all those stereotypes about virgins that Elliot Rodger helped forge. I can show that truly there are people who do indeed wait, contrary to the “nobody waits anymore” thing. I can tell how singleness doesn’t mean immaturity, old maids, or repressed sexuality. I have a sex drive all the while, but it’s about controlling it even without a mate. I can say how people don’t need to have sex, and that people who don’t aren’t losers. I know that being a single virgin guy has opened me up to a lot of great opportunities and hobbies that most in relationships simply cannot take on. I like being care-free, with no one stopping me from doing them. I like that, I like that a lot.

Maybe I’m not that a highly sexual person, but I feel like I could go my whole life without sex. Maybe I will do it. I feel motivated, so motivated to do it. It feels like being a bit of a rebel, but for purity. So, I guess I’m not the typical type of a rebel. I, however, can tell what a great life being single can be, and that sex isn’t a prerequisite for humanity. That feels rebellious to Christian culture and sexualized society. Let’s do it.

Due to being a virgin, I can be the person who says that getting married and having babies, isn’t the only way to have a life. That American dream life isn’t the only life that exists. I can tell people that a single life is also God-glorifying (once again not offending other beliefs) but also justifiable and wholesome. I can provide the singleness as a viable option, not as a lesser option.My Savior was single and didn’t need a wife to be who he was and is. Neither do I.

Singleness may provide me a tough challenge some days, but it also provides me with such great opportunities. I can live like my single Savior and shout how much a blessing that is. I like that, I like that a lot. So, for the first time in forever, I am content with being a virgin. That is a good place to be in. Yup.

I hope that I never choose to go the other way and find myself in a downward spiral. May I only continue in this place, avoiding the duplicity that I often fight. I only wonder if there is anybody who will join me in this. If not, hopefully I just march on in the good fight. I’ll deal with that. Fine by me.

What do you think?

-Noisemaker

Why I’m a 25 year-old virgin

“I’ve heard them say, without sex life is a waste. But Christ is over all, I keep the pants on my waist.” KB 116, Man up album.

My virginity leads to lots of questions, I have found. There’s no question as to how I have made it this far be in life a virgin. I just never have sex. I don’t get that close to people, and they don’t get that close to me. I’ve never dated either, so that makes the no sex thing a whole lot easier. Thus, I have no question as to how I’m still a virgin in my 20s. The questions I have, though, often deal in the why. If you read my post True Love doesn’t wait  there seems to be a lot of bad press about being a virgin. There’s such negative stigmas over being a virgin that I often find myself upset and angry, with My mood proclaiming how much I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. Well, I shouldn’t say often, but sometimes. I think one could chew glass and still be considered cool, but virginity? Hmm, not that I’ve found. In every circle Christian or no, it seems that an adult bachelor is often stereotyped in such a negative light. And I’m hit double-whammy, as a virgin bachelor too. It gets so bad that I start to doubt myself, and I question why I’m a virgin at all. So, I wrote this post to say why, to myself and everyone else who asks. Read More

True Love doesn’t wait

“I’ve got bands that will make her dance, that’s a wedding ring for my wife, bling. I’mma say that twice, bling. Ladies, if you ain’t got 1, don’t give him none, true love is waiting and you’re so worth that”.

That was a great line by Andy Mineo. I love him as an artist, and I love the song as well. Here’s the song for a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbgp3wG40YE

However, that one verse has always struck a bit of a nerve with me, and it does really for one reason only: true love waits.

Now, for those who don’t know true love waits, it was a wave of Christian culture (not even Christian at all) where kids would promise to keep themselves “sexually pure” for their future wife or husband and abstaining from sex or sexual activity of any kind. It was highlighted by purity rings, purity balls, and pledges to stay virgins with all those things. However, no matter how you many times you try to say it, it is such a lousy idea and such a wicked idea in my opinion. There are not many things that I think I hate, but I think the phrase “true love waits” may be on that list of things I hate. Let me explain why I hate this whole “true love waits” thing, using three points for my rationale. Here I go.

  1. It only focused on one type of purity. Sexual purity is important, for sure I agree with that. I’m sure someone will make fun of me for striving for sexual purity. However, I also want to strive for other types of purity. Pure hearts, pure minds, pure bodies. A purity against gluttony, a purity against profanity, a purity against sloth, a purity for modesty. It seemed like Christian “culture” was more focused on keeping kids out of the sheets rather than keeping their kids healthy vessels for Jehovah. I personally know lots of people who use language that I consider foul, have lazy tendencies that prevent them from exercising, and indulge their stomachs to excess, yet they show in church to still praise. Look, I don’t come to condemn people, all right. I am not that type of person to condemn anybody’s soul. My soul for another man’s salvation honestly. I am just acknowledging something here. Let’s focus on all purity. All purity matters, not just the sexual.
  2. It built up sex to be everything. The culture, with everything from Grey’s Anatomy to almost every movie out there, have basically built up sex to be this super-amazing experience that will “rock your world”. Not only has the culture built it up, but it just keep screaming it at everyone. It’s like a deafening scream. It gets at me everytime I have to see a burger commercial that I see some lady in a bikini being sexualized. It’s a burger, for crying out loud! So, yes, the culture has built up this whole sex is awesome thing. However, so has the “true love waits” thing. They have basically said the exact same thing, just only in marriage.
  3. True Love waits basically assumes everyone will soon get married. I might as well sometime after senior year college. I mean, when you say, wait until your future spouse, that is basically assuming marriage for everybody, and soon. How else could people control their sexual urges without marriage? “After all, if they don’t get married, then they will just fall flat and give in. Sex is a need. People will lose their minds and what-have-you. It will lead to disaster and doom. No one can be without it for that long.” I mean, what is this thing called celibacy? It’s some foreign concept to church people, that’s for sure! I don’t know what to say about this. It seems that Christian culture has bought into the lie that no one could control themselves for that long, and people are not able to achieve the feat of being a virgin long term. So, what is the reaction to that, but true love waits campaigns and a rigorous push for early marriage? I’m not knocking those who married early. I only say a person should marry if and whenever he or pleases. If it’s soon, fine. If it’s never, then that should be great too. However, churchianity (as I’ve heard) can’t stand that. That aggravates me. It aggravates me to no end. Actually, I didn’t think I would put 4 points in here, but this is point 4, and it’s the one that makes me the most angry. I’m going off now with this.
  4. They have no gameplan for the adult virgin in True Love Waits. Everyone is supposed to be married at 22, and everyone is supposed to be having married sex, with the wife, house, kids, and a dog soon coming. Whenever someone like me comes along and is still a virgin, they get dumbfounded and confounded by me. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I wasn’t supposed to be a single guy in all his libidinal nature upstanding without a mate. I was supposed to be “family values” guy with a wife and kid. So, I as a single guy comes along, and I throw them for a loop. Instead of back-pats and support, I get thrown a barrage of questions and am feeling like a character assassination. “What am I doing with my life?”, is what the majority of church culture says. Then instead of letting me answer, they answer for me with assumptions of all single guys. I’m playing video games in my mom’s basement. I am lazy. I don’t ask women out. I’m a playboy bachelor. I “hang out with the boys”. I spend Fridays playing board games with my nerd friends. I actually like board games, but that’s besides the point.

The fact that Christian culture tries to paint all single people as weird freaks for being unmarried and childless irks me to no end. It just gets at me, and I don’t like it. So, apparently, sex is something so glorious that if anybody chooses to abstain from it a long time and go without it in celibate manner, there is something wrong with that person. Am I hearing that right? Is that what’s being implied? If I didn’t know better, it honestly sounds like that didn’t come from church. Rather, it sounded like it came from somewhere else. Hmm, but where? Where, oh where? Oh, I know.

As a kid growing up in high school, I heard the exact same thing. High school kids always were getting into relationships, and with those relationships often came sex. Whenever they knew that I wasn’t dating or interested in a relationship at that time, this is the response they gave back to me: “What are you waiting for? You need to get laid. Get some. What’s the big deal anyway? That’s so old school! It’s so stupid! Sow your wild oats! Don’t you want to see what it’s like? Try and test it out. Don’t you want to know what’s good and what’s bad? What if you get a girl who’s bad in bed? Come on man. Nobody waits anymore! Go out and get some!”

Now, I am just some lowly virgin. What would I know about sex, right? Maybe the culture at hand is right about sex being simply the most amazing thing. Maybe it is the penultimate experience for humanity. I don’t want to hear it, though, sermon after sermon. My goodness! Why do I need to hear pastors speak ad nauseum about it, when spreading the Gospel is supposed to be of highest importance? And if all people are hearing about is the greatness of marriage, what do single people have to go on? Are they not a factor in the Gospel? I’m pretty sure looking at Jesus, John the Baptist, Paul, and the Ethiopian Eunuch, singles do matter. However, it seems that the whole “gift of singleness” renders singles into another corner at the kids table until they grow up and marry. Singles don’t matter until then.

Is it safe to say I’ve heard more put-downs than appraisal over being a virgin? Man, I tell you, it gets interesting some of the responses. I can’t tell you how many times I have ever heard someone say to me how I can’t get any or how I’m too ugly. It’s such a shame. However, the bigger shame in my opinion that comes over me seems to come from so many busy-body, know-it-all, purity culture people. It seems to be that everyone in purity culture has a sense of duplicity overcoming itself. On one hand, they uphold virginity and chastity on one pole, but on the other pole any adult virgin will be needing to get fixed because something’s wrong with you.

So, let me get this straight: if you wait for sex as a teen, that is right. However, if you are a virgin as an adult, then you have failed in some way. All this leads me to perfectly say this: True Love Doesn’t Wait. To non-Christians & Christian purity culture alike

Heaven forbid that someone would actually be a virgin past age 22. Heaven forbid they actually have a good reason to be a virgin. Heaven forbid that one would actually have a motive behind why they’re a virgin! Heaven forbid someone actually believes waiting for sex could be special! And heaven forbid that there are celibate people in the world! Heaven forbid!

Better yet, you would forbid, wouldn’t you, purity culture? I don’t think the God of heaven is driving purity culture’s decision in any way. I think it’s more of peer pressure driven by 1940s values that were wrong then and wrong now. American dreams of a white picket fence, 2 dogs, and 2 kids style of thinking that has never appealed to me. Yet, purity culture says it’s the life to be, no matter how contrary to Jesus that is.

Deep down, I really don’t believe they ever should have used the phrase “true love waits”. If that were so, then wouldn’t they encourage and love on people who were virgins past acceptable age? Well, hate to break it to you, but if you are a virgin still after college, you are just a castaway. You are not likely to be accepted, but you are more than like to be forgotten. You are lost in the shuffle. Everything has now become marriage-mandated, and people look at you as the next in line even if you are not looking to be married. People start looking at you weirdly as single adult, as they soon at you as a reject. Then they say weird rumors about you or make assumptions about you. The amount of times I have been accused of being some playboy or something like that is infuriating.

Now, you would think that as the Lord and Savior was never married and sexless to boot, then people would love those who choose to be the same. Nope, they don’t love it at all. Purity culture has already said it by their behavior and conduct. They have already told me that true love doesn’t wait after all, with the emphasis on the Mrs. Degree for women, and the “trophy wife” for men. Apparently, one has to wonder how much Jesus would fit into contemporary Christian culture, and my guess is not all. He waited his whole life. It’s definitely more than a guess to say that I don’t fit either. It’s whatever, though, for me. Even if the culture says True Love Doesn’t Wait, even if people laugh at me for never having sex, even if I’m the only one who is waiting, I will continue to wait. I guess I don’t love enough to stop.

Or better yet, maybe I care too much about waiting. Maybe I have reasons behind my abstinence. Maybe I believe there’s something to my virginity. Hmmm… I will have to write another post and talk about that.  Stay tuned.

-Noisemaker

Virgins are oddballs

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It’s October, and October is the month for baseball playoffs. The Hunt for October is what it is called. This is where players like Willie Mays and Reggie Jackson made their mark in the annals of baseball lore. However, this October will have no Yankees, Giants, or what baseball considers to be the “usual suspects”. If anybody before the season would have pegged the Royals, Blue Jays, Cubs, and Mets (yes the NY Mets) to be in the final four, I’m sure they would be laughed at. However, this is the case, and one of these teams will win the World Series trophy. The Cubs haven’t won since 1910, the Blue Jays since 1993, the Royals since 1985, and the Mets since 1986. Doesn’t that seem odd? However, the odd has happened, hasn’t it? It will be an unexpected team that will be the champion. So, I guess that the old axiom still stands up now “expect the unexpected”. It may be perplexing to many, but the oddball has come into focus in baseball.

This article is about more than baseball, though. Baseball is just the metaphor I am using in this situation. Oddsmakers before the year didn’t see this coming, and are now shocked with who could potentially be champion. Honestly, the cubs? Who saw that coming? Wow! Yet, it is now a possibility. I could make a laugh at those oddsmakers with their so-called predictions, but I think they aren’t the only ones who are also horrible predictors of things. I would have to say that being in church culture, the church culture also predicts a lot of things or better yet assumes the worst about singles that I believe are wrong too. They may pick it up from the culture, or what have you, but they are still wrong about it. Singles are the lowest represented group in churches today, and I think it’s because of these oddsmakers predicting what singles are like. I believe singles don’t like to come to church to be around that, because I don’t like to be around it. I think it’s time for it to stop, at least with me.

Now, since this is my first post, I must say that this post comes from a single guy in myself. However, I’m a different type of single guy, in my opinion. Let me explain why. Married people (I’m talking in churches) look at single guys as potential threats and predators. You don’t believe me? Have you seen a single pastor before? Every pastor I’ve ever known is married. I’ve heard of single guys who tried to become pastors, but no one will touch them because they are single. I’ve heard that so because married people think singles are always “on the prowl” looking for fresh meat, as disgusting as that sounds. So much for the whole “gird your loins” thing, huh? Apparently singles are sex-crazed maniacs running amok using each other for thrills. It’s probably why they push and inundate from teenage years that people need to get married young, to avoid sexual sin. After all, sex is what singles do, right? What if I told you I know one who isn’t? Would it change your mind? Probably not. It hasn’t changed the minds of pastors and married people alike.

Anytime a pastor speaks on singles it’s for a little bit about teens shouldn’t be having sex, and how all the older singles are either divorced and cohabiting with their girlfriends. Yes, I’ve seen statistics about how rare virginity is in your 20s, so I know a lot of things are going on behind closed doors. It still doesn’t mean that is what is happening all the time. Yet, for many pastors, it’s every single person. Most minds are still in the box that not every single person is going after each other, trying to seduce each other into bed. Anyone who isn’t is not normal.  Most assume there’s something wrong with you if you’re like staying single. It’s like being a eunuch or a character on Virgin Diaries. No one would dare touch them. That’s the position that I find myself in right now, though. Why? Because I’m a 25 year-old virgin. Yep, you heard it. I’m a 25 year-old male virgin. NO JOKING.

Now, I’m a different type of virgin in that I’ve never dated or done anything with a girl either. I could almost be described as a kissless virgin, but I’ve had like one or 2 girls give me a kiss. It never amounted to anything. I never really pursue people and definitely girls, which probably has to do with me being so cautious and being a bit scaredy-cat.  The point still remains, though, there really hasn’t ever been a girl interested in me, and I am starting to feel okay about that.

Really, dating is such hard work, that I wouldn’t want to do it anyway. I realize it can perhaps be good, but it is so much work to me. I really don’t want to go through it. So bachelor life is fine and dandy with me.

Obviously, as a self-described “Joyful Jesus lover”, I am not looking to have premarital sex, no matter how it goes against the grain of society. So, the only real choice for me to do is to go dry with no sex. OK with me. Thus, I don’t really pursue women or places where most women are, i.e. the bar or clubs. I don’t really need to either. If I never have sex or never get a girlfriend, then I’ll be okay with it. Am I interested in girls? I’m straight, that’s for sure. I’m sure I have a sex drive too. However, I’m not so sure I need to be married at all. I just don’t think that’s for me. I have lots of joy as a single, with plenty of hobbies and free time. I’m not about to change that, no way. That obviously probably makes my virginity different from so many others. Being a joyful single isn’t something that’s really talked about all too often. I guess it exists with me, though.

Yes, I have dark moments where I feel lonely, but that’s just part of being human. Most days are not dark and lonely for me. I have a lot of fun as a single, where I feel blessed to be unattached. So, I guess my virginity is easier to be a virgin when you’re like me and never date or care to. However, there are things that make it feel like I’m cursed as a single. Better yet, society at large says that.  This usually upsets me quite a lot.

Now, you would think in the sexualized world we live in now, that an adult virgin would be heralded as a special thing. However it has been anything but that. I find the church to be “marriage mandated”, including mine most of the time. I think I’m basically the only single person I know right now in my life. That’s a sobering thought, considering the loneliness of it all. Yet it’s true. I haven’t seen in any way articles over how special being a virgin is, sermons still focus on how glorious marriage is, and people talk about how terrible sexual sins are for your future marriage. People may not even get married, but that’s another topic for another day. The main thing, virginity or virgins for that matter are the oddballs even in church like the Cubs, Dodgers, & Mets are for baseball now.

I do say this knowing the statistics, ok. I know that 9 out of 10 people have premarital sex. I know 80% of Christians have had premarital sex. I know that only 4% of people age 25+ are virgins now. I know that most people believe in premarital sex and that many will have or have had it. Be that as it may, don’t say that those who are virgins to be odd. Virgins are rare, not odd. There’s a big difference between the two. One creates shame, the other is a bit more dignifying.

Think about it: We use the term inexperienced when it comes to a person who hasn’t dated a lot. The connotation behind saying that is always negative. It almost implies that he or she couldn’t get people to date them or that they are missing out on something. It’s like calling someone dateless. Both the same. It’s like saying that a person is immature and doesn’t know anything about love, or it says they have something wrong with them. That’s placing aspersions on someone. We could instead call a person just chaste or celibate and avoid all this together, but apparently not. People who aren’t going after dates or whatever are weird. Better yet, they are oddballs. Hooray! <insert sarcasm>.

So, why does being a virgin automatically mean being a weirdo or oddball? I mean, does virginity only mean that a person is truly missing out? Is sex a must and is mandatory for adulthood? Are virgins like inexperienced children? It’s so weird. I don’t understand it. How come virgins are worthy of derision? Should we think of virgins as losers, and are they truly oddballs like the Royals and Mets? These are the questions I have to posit. It seems like so many like to make fun of virgins, and criticize them for it all. I still don’t understand it all. Yet it still exist that I’m the oddball. I don’t care what is being said either. If being a virgin means I’m some oddball misfit, then fine by me. I’ll be like the Cubs, Mets, Royals, and Blue Jays. They seem to be doing fine right now this way. Onward with my oddball life.

I just wonder if I’m being foolish for my virgin convictions. I hope I’m right in the end.

~Noisemaker

Virginity is Boring

When we want to love, we love
When we want to kiss, we kiss
With a little petting, we’re getting
Some fun out of life

When we want to work, we work
When we want to play, we play
In a happy setting, we’re getting
Some fun out of life

Maybe we do the right things
Maybe we do the wrong
Spending each day
Just wending our way along

When we want to sing, we sing
When we want to dance, we dance
You can do your betting, we’re getting
Some fun out of life

-Billie Holiday “Getting some fun out of life”

How about some Billie Holiday for this article? I think it will fit. Oh, will this be interesting. I think I will have some fun after all, at least with this.

I am starting a new series called “Virginity is”. I am going to go over all the stereotypes, blanket statements, and misconceptions, that people have over being a virgin. If you think of some, leave them in the comment section. I will probably post over quite a few of them. This might be a long series, but for now, I will do the very first one, “Virginity is boring”. Without further ado, here I go. Read it and weep.

“Hey, man, do you want to try this?”-Person A

“No, I’m not interested in that”.-Person B

“Oh, man you ain’t no fun.”-Person A

“Ok. I guess I’m boring”.-Person B

Why does it seem that whenever someone doesn’t do what other people consider “fun” that they are instantly called boring? It seems that nobody can have a fun that different from the perceived normal. Why do I say that? I say that because that boring person is me. I have a story to go with that point too. I’ll tell it now.

So, I happen to go to my doctor for a routine check-up one time, and I always love filling out the paperwork and answering the questions with the doctor. So, my doctor was asking me questions over my history and behavior tendency chart to fill out the paperwork. Three questions came up in succession, one after the other. They were over what most would private matters, even though they aren’t a big deal to me. However, it seems that it did get a bit personal with me on this one.

The first of the three questions dealt with past history of STD, the second dealt with smoking habits, and the third dealt with drinking/alcohol. All of those I answered with a resounding ‘No’ to the doctor. I then heard a bit of a “Not that exciting, huh?”, which I followed with a “I guess I’m a little boring, huh?”. We both spoke in a lighthearted, joking manner, but it still got me thinking about why people think all those things are fun while virginity is boring. Then I had to assess whether my life is boring too.

What I had found out was that I was indeed boring. However, I did not feel as if I had lived a boring life. What’s the difference? What I found out was that I was boring according to what other people call fun. I didn’t do what most other people do for fun, so I became the “boring old fart”. I didn’t run in their circles, I didn’t go to the clubs, bars, or movies like they did. So, the assumption was that I was simply a boring person. The thing is, though is that I don’t always wonder whether I am boring or not. Rather, what I always wondered was why did not doing those things make me a boring individual.

Since when has the standard of fun become boys night out, with girls, smoking drugs, and alcohol use? Why is that what everyone considers to be a “good time”? I don’t know. I always preferred to keep my faculties and not get off balance ever. It’s simply not me to do that. However, because I don’t, I simply am not fun.  Who would have thought that basketball, church, singing, choir, dance, and piyo exercise would be such “boring” activities? Wow! I guess I’m no fun, even if I have fun doing the things I love most.

Well, since I don’t do any of the fun things others like to, I get put into a hole as the “safe, boring guy”. It’s the stereotype that I have often gotten most of my life, and it’s one that I have heard often given to virgins of both sexes too: safe and boring. It’s an unfounded assumption, to say the least. Nonetheless, it’s one most people think of when it comes to virginity though.

Virgins are often the last to the party, the wallflower type. They are the type who are least likely to get the girl, and they are more likely to go unnoticed. In a word, they are awkward. They just seem clueless about how to be cool. They are in a word boring, and nobody really wants them because they’re so boring. They lack the ability to thrill a woman/man, out of bed & in the bedroom too. Obviously, as a virgin, I probably do not know how to do the latter, I’m sure. That is, of course, if they have a partner at all. Most virgins don’t have any options or prospects, remember? They are pathetic losers, right? So, because they are virgins and boring too, the majority of people stay away from them, thus making them become perpetual virgins. Oy, veh.

Now, how do I respond to that? 2 ways:

  1. With disbelief, ignoring their words as pure bunk.
  2. Assessment and introspection. Thinking over what they are saying and perhaps looking over my life to see the truth.

I think it’s always better to go with number 2, rather than number 1. While I could just blow off their words as inconsequential nonsense, that wouldn’t be good for introspection. I think a little introspection is good to see how you can progress and move forward in your internal development. After all, Jesus says to examine yourself, like in  2 Corinthians 13:5

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?

So, it’s smart to be introspective and contemplative over life, and this is one of those times I chose introspection. I took a few days to look over my life, in order to see what I like to do and why I exactly do it. What I found was a little shocking for me. I never thought I would have found out what I found out, but it turned out that I found it. Here’s what I found in the end. Heads up.

Obviously, as a self-described “Joyful Jesus lover”, I probably would be boring to most people in life. However, I have a peace and contentment and live as the Joyful Noisemaker, because of my relationship with God. However, albeit having peace and contentment with my life, I could use a little more excitement in my life. I have found that I do have a yearning for a little more fun, a little more carefree merriment. I have very little of that. I have found that I do lead a life that even I question as being too ho-hum. It is pretty uneventful, to say the least. So, yes, I do have days (and lately lots of them) where I wonder if I am missing out on lots of stuff, being that boring virgin. Yep, I said it. I am that boring virgin.

I have already told before that I have never even been on a date and have only been kissed one time in my earlier posts (see Why I’m a 25 year-old virgin and Virginity ≠ problem). I also said that I have absolutely no problem being an adult virgin. I am fine with that. However, that doesn’t mean it is all perfect either. There are still things I would like to correct, and there are things I would like to change up. To sum it up, I would like to change the boring monotony of my life. I basically am a homebody, and that is a gift and a curse, I find.

Being a homebody is a gift because I can truly spend the time doing the things that I enjoy doing, and continue to do them. I don’t have to be hampered by any other person or thing stopping me from doing them. I’m not the social type, I’m an introvert, and being more of a homebody provides an easy way to find fun. It is a free, “ergonomic” fashion to spend your weekend. However, when your every Friday night alone all the time, with yourself as your only company, it would start to wear on you. That’s especially after you see everyone else married or dating, going out with somebody as a companion. Yeah, it wears heavily. That’s exactly where I’ve been lately.

I’ve felt like my own island a lot lately. I am often alone, and there really isn’t anybody who truly agrees with me or sees eye-to-eye with me either. My thoughts are my only company lately. I don’t have a confidante, friend, or clique that I go with on a regular basis. I have to basically go by myself. Now, I have some good friends that I talk to regularly, but in terms of community that I can share those internal dimensions of me, I really haven’t had that at all. Do you know how hard it is to have deep conversations over heart matters with someone? Do you know how hard it is to find someone to share them with? Very! Well, at least to me. Most relationships I have are a little bit surface-level, and nothing more than that. That leads to a lot of solo Friday nights.

So, on that vein, I guess it’s no surprise that I sometimes feel upset over Friday “my day” nights. I see most people as couples going out with their significant others, while I am at home reading or on the computer all night. I am not bitter about it, but I guess I just get a little sick and tired of it. I guess I am sick and tired of feeling like an alien because I am single around all couples. It’s been this way for years.

That feeling is really why I stay inside most days. I don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever I go out, I feel weird going by myself all the time. I feel like most people look at you weird if you are out by yourself. Most people look and say that you are somehow a freak for not having a companion like a girlfriend or wife. They treat you like a It’s just a perceived stigma, I feel. It feels real to me, and because of that, I don’t like to go out much. It’s tough for me to go out being single, the “party of one”. So, I like to spend my Friday nights in.

Doesn’t that sound ironic? Better yet, oxymoronic? I don’t like being alone, yet I stay at home alone because I hate going out alone?! It’s a bit peculiar. It’s so peculiar even for me. However, it is the truth. I really do not enjoy going out, but I know it’s the only way that I would be able to find a companion or 2. Yet I stay in regardless, and thus become the boring virgin I loathe being. I am in need of resolving this, and I need to do it fast.

That being said, I know a girlfriend isn’t what I am after. What I am after most after all is companionship and a circle of friends. If I could get the circle of friends here we enjoy each other’s company and do like interests together, then I think I would have everything I feel I am missing. That also bleeds into the virginity. My virginity is not a problem either, because it’s not blocking me from all that. I think a person can have fulfilling relationships without having sex. It’s sad to me that so many don’t believe that. It’s almost as if all society believes that sex must make a relationship happy. I’ve heard it said from everyone, even pastors included. However, I don’t ever believe that. I believe that companionship is what I am looking for, with good conversation and relationship. I believe am just fine being a virgin, and I am sticking with that. What I am not fine with is flying solo all the time, especially Friday nights. If you want to call it loneliness, fine. However, I just think it’s desire for companionship that I am struggling with.

On a different vein, I don’t like to think of myself as boring. I just like what other people may not. I am different that way. I don’t care either. I like what I like, and I don’t switch it up either. I never needed anyone to approve of my lifestyle. I just needed to have it please God and fit me. After that, no one else matters. Whether you want to call what I like boring or not, go ahead. I won’t stop you.

I will say this in my defense, though. I am quite creative, to say the least. I think I have all it takes to thrill and excite too, being so creative. I never settle for 2nd place or 2nd rate. I believe I can be the most exciting person in the room. I am quite the entertainer, and I believe I can give quite a show. So, that “boring virgin” tripe & stereotype must be wrong, because I believe I’m lots of fun. No bragging. OK. Maybe a little.

 

~Noisemaker

BTW, what do you think? Are virgins boring? Yes or No?